My Site Stats Suck Seashells

I never got much traction to begin with, but now I’m beginning to believe the tractor is broken down in a fallow field.

My site stats have plummeted dramatically. Why just yesterday I saw a tumbleweed blow through my dashboard. Two days ago when I posted a new post, I only heard crickets. And they say nasty, nasty things.

I am a reasonable person so reasonably this should be no reasonable big deal, but it’s unreasonably making me unreasonable.

But I’m not alone. With things like blogs, social networking and rain dances, we expect immediate gratification. In fact, we get a dopamine rush when we see a little 1 or higher number in our wordpress feed (why is it never higher than 1?). The opposite (that cursed 0 again!) causes anxiety that scientists are not all studied up on so they can’t give it a name like wordpress non-response anxiety syndrome duplex. But it must not be good or else I wouldn’t obsessively check my wordpress account to a point where I don’t remember my son’s name. It’s WordPress, right? Go to bed, WordPress. Mommy has to blog.

I think my site stats are down because I recently changed my blog address, and it’s caused all kind of haywireness in the blogosphere or in my head where all of you exist. But if you exist solely in my head, why don’t you worship me more?

My posts don’t appear in my Reader. They appear for an instant on a radio show in Marion OH and then vanish into the ether. If you’re like me, which you are if I created you in my image, you ignore your emails and then wait to read the blogs you follow in your readers.

I can’t deal with my email. I get so many posts from MarryaSugarDaddy.com that I believe I can find a sugar daddy to take care of me or I will become one and take care of someone who is awful.

The weird thing is when I change my blog address, it created a whole new speaker7 identity. Eric from WordPress told me I had nothing to worry about after I emailed and said “I want to marry a sugar daddy and also my blog does not show up in my reader.”

He said the engineer from Thomas the Tank Engine would get on it immediately. But my doppelgänger still exists. In fact it’s this:

And it’s posting:

Evidence 1

Evidence 2

Evidence 3

The worst part? It show up in my blog reader.

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49 comments

  1. My poor friend. I have clicked on you repeatedly to see if I can improve your stats. I hope it worked.

    We are all whores to our stats. Maybe you should have just changed the header, but not the actual http ….

    We will all find you, though. Well, I already have. But still. I am not the only one of your readers with above average intelligence.

    1. I know, I know. I should have just changed the title….live and learn. Hey that sounds like a good blog name. Maybe I’ll change it to that? No…no must stop.

      Thanks for the ratings boost.

  2. Is this one post? Or four? Or am I supposed to go to Yahoo and be the 490th person to comment on what that person was talking about? What is a WordPress feed? What does 1 mean? What does 0 mean? You have a new blog address? Why aren’t I checking my stats? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not a whore if I don’t check stats? Please forgive all the questions. I seriously just ate an entire bag of “Happy Movie Theater Time Extra Buttery Microwave Popcorn (4 or maybe 12 servings) and I am having a complete chemical and artificial flavoring rush. All of my brain cells are jiggling and trading places with each other.

    1. You don’t see that little dashboard thing-a-ma-bob at the top? it has the little number thing-a-ma-jig that tells you if someone commented, likes you or wants to marry you. It’s probably best to ignore it because then you do something like spend your Friday night creating a doppelgänger that less people will read.

      1. Call a new follower a turd at his, perhaps poor, attempt at humor while complaining abt stats? Intereesting development process you have going on there

  3. Yep, I also get your blog via e-mail and then come direct to your blog to read it, and you are always a good read, so thanks for that. :-) Crickets saying mean things? Just remind them just how easily they can become pet lizard food… which should give those crickets some food for thought, and maybe a new appreciation for being quiet too!

  4. Your blog arrives safely for me to peruse at my leisure in my email box. Personally, I have gotten away from the reader and often forget to look at it.
    I apologize but I find it very comforting that I am not the only one hearing crickets. Granted you have a better excuse than I (changing the site). This week several of the people I follow have written about milestones on their blogs. The most recent was celebrating there 200th subscriber, and their 20,000 hit after blogging for only one year. I am clearly doing it wrong! I know one thing I do is spend too much time reading other peoples blogs. By the end of the day there is no time left to write my own.
    Of course, if the ones I read weren’t so good I probably wouldn’t get caught up reading them or their 3 doppelgängers!

    1. I too wonder how people get subscribers and views. I think some offer cash incentives or free trips to Disneyland. Others are graced with good looks and perfect teeth. And then there’s me who draws poorly and writes about turds every week.

      1. Well, I for one will take your drawings and turds over good looks and perfect teeth any day. ;-)

  5. You’re right; you’re not in the blog reader. I just looked. I read your last posts and responded via email. Well that just blows. I’ve had this issue at least twice in the past month and I ended up republishing the post, which temporarily fixed the glitch. Do you schedule all your posts to publish? I do. I wonder if this affects thing differently.

    Crap.

    Let me know if you need my help. Perhaps I can let you post from my blog for a while as a temporary refuge like when one high school is wiped out by a tornado and then those kids have to attend class at your rival school. Oh, I think that was on Friday Night Lights once so I’m certain it happens. And I’m not your rival so I won’t spray paint BITCH on your locker.

    Crap.

    1. Thank you for your work with FEMA and your offer for help. I don’t know what is up with Readergate as it’s now being referred to in the news media. I do have two speaker7 identities (and now a third with the one I just made up) so maybe I should try to post in the other speaker7 dashboard and see if that ends up on a billboard in Baton Rouge, LA. I believe that is how the Internet works.

      If that fails, I will try the schedule feature, and if that fails, I will be moving into your living room.

  6. Heehee — First **I am so glad I found your blog. I needed a good laugh, and the idea of you and Angie Z teaming up makes my sensible, not-as-funny-as-y’all head spin.

    Second — When I first started, I had about the same number of visits as a naughty guy I was following . . .every day I would peek at his stats and gloat in my head that mine were just a wee bit more than his. THEN a friend posted my blog address on a national board . . . and my stats went Through The Roof. Now to be fair, he isn’t giving hints that he would have sex wtih his readers, so it really isn’t an even playing field . . .but still . . . I gloat ;-)

    I’m not TOO full of myself, but I am
    Naughty

    1. Angie Z is my BBFF (Blogging Best Friend Forever) and I’m so grateful for her link to this wasteland I call my blog.

      So sexiness is the key to blog hits…I’m about as sexy as a piece of white bread half-submerged in manure lagoon–so, in essence, pretty sexy.

      1. Oh — perhaps I wasn’t clear — it is not JUST sexiness that got my stats up . . . the man I was comparing myself to posted sexy stories (fact or fixtion, not sure) and really sexy photos. “Sexy” isn’t the key, “Easy” might be ;-)

        And trust me, if this overweight, middle-aged ‘soccer mom’ can count as sexy, a clever, talented girl like YOU has it made!!!

  7. i changed your http on my blog stalking list so i am still stalking you (but does it count since i just told you i am stalking you?). but the important thing is: how can I get a sugar daddy sent directly to MY email? do you think if i enter that into the blogger help desk they can help me with that? damn it. i knew wordpress was better.

    1. It’s perfectly acceptable for a stalker to let the stalkee know s/he is stalking him/her. Sometimes a stalker even cuts out words from magazines and newspapers to paste together a note to send to the stalkee.

      WordPress has yet to help me marry a sugar daddy so I wouldn’t praise it too much.

  8. I only look at “trends” in my site stats. A nice roller-coaster “C-curve” is fine by me. It’s when I have a WHOA day (one day, my daily hits quadrupled, another day-or-three there wasn’t a single hit) that I wonder WTF. You shouldn’t worry. Your content is fabulous!! And you do draw fabulous piles of soft-serve-ice-cream-serving poos. That’s some real talent, girl.

    I’m not sure why I haven’t followed yet…I’ve been back here several times as I am reminded to by another’s comment, etc. I have limited reading time. A particularly long post may not get read for a week or more. So here I go!! Follow…*click*

  9. Site stats suck seashells by the seashore. Site stats suck seashells by the seashore. Site stats suck seashells by the seashore…I didn’t EVEN get to repeating 10 times fast before I started cracking up. Great game.

    1. Thank you for the stat bump. I’m trying to work on an ointment to help clear up my site stat problem. If it’s successful, I will share it with the world.

  10. When you changed your blog, indeed, your posts stopped showing up in my reader. This sucks! Please let us know (all the people inside me would also like to know) when the balance of the universe has been restored.

      1. The re-following doesn’t work because I tried it with my blog and I still didn’t see my blog in my reader. The only way to get my stuff is the straight email address route unfortunately. I’ve emailed WordPress again, but I have a feeling it just goes to a mail bin somewhere in the outskirts of Alaska.

      2. Word Press Support is not worth the $0 that I personally have spent on it. The last post of yours I got was Bully McNeely, but not the previous two. Hopefully that information helped. I did click on your blog twice to bulk up your stats, though.

        What a pain in the, ummm, neck.

  11. I think you need to start publishing several posts a day just to see if the blog reader is jammed or something. You don’t have to write much, maybe just “fart”. Because I was once attempting to show a friend how to use WordPress and wrote a post called “fart”, which has since been immortalized for all of time and I can’t wholly delete it. Every time I log in, WordPress reminds me that I haven’t completed my draft of fart.

    So send some of those through a few times a day and see if you can dislodge the obstruction. I feel ill now.

    1. I will begin firing off farts immediately…that didn’t come out right.

      I’m hoping to hear from tech support sometime. They replied once, but I imagine this concerns me more than them.

  12. I’m obsessed with my stats as well. I think I spend more time checking my stats pages than actually writing blog posts or reading other people’s blogs. Is that sad?

    1. No. It’s just too tantalizing to check constantly. I wish there was a way I could hide my stats button so I wouldn’t be tempted to look so much. See, now that I’ve been talking about, I’m going to check my stats as soon as I finish this sentence.

  13. Hey, my blog stats suck and I didn’t change my name or my underwear for like a year now. But I read everyone of those mini-posts and it made me feel better about myself. So I guess I’ll go back to my blog which I’ve renamed “Crickets” (to hopefully improve my action).

    1. Is the non-changing of underwear some kind of ritual to try to boost site stats much in the same way kids wear their pajamas inside out to get a snow day?

  14. I’m having the same issue, I’m not showing up in anyone’s reader (after switching domains though), and Angie Z alerted me that you finally got things resolved. How so? Did you bribe someone? Did you jump hoops and do a funky dance? Or did pulling all of your hair out work? At this point, none of it sounds too crazy.

  15. Ringo was the only good Mr. Conductor on Thomas the Tank Engine. George Carlin sucked more than can be imagined.

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