This Post is Brought to You By Metamucil

There are heroes out there people.

We might disagree over what makes someone a hero. I personally think it’s butt-accentuating tights. You might think a hero is someone who has the ability to blog about heroes wearing butt-accentuating tights while simultaneously watching The Voice without pouring cement in one’s ears.

You might be onto something, although I’m not sure because someone is shrieking into a microphone and it’s hard to concentrate. That is some voice.

But I think we can all agree that the act of heroism is elevated by the right product placement.

Take our latest hero who went against the grain by not donning a cape. Instead he used a handful of “cheese”-flavored Pringles to fight crime. He is Snackman.

I learned about him from the Today show where Matt Lauer is paid tens of millions of dollars to explain it all. It wasn’t Matt doing the story, but rather one of the female anchors who kept trying to get Snackman to “pop off” his shirt. She would make a great Awkwardwoman because this exchange could not be more awkward.

Snackman diffused a fight on a New York City subway by getting between the kicking legs of a man and woman, all the while never breaking his stride of munching on his stack of Pringles. Did the dried potato flakes have something to do with Snackman’s heroism? Or maybe it was the Pringle man’s pristine mustache? Or the buckets and buckets of salt? Who knows?

In fact, according to Awkwardwoman, Snackman has approached Pringles about possibly getting some kind of endorsement deal. “Next time we’ll get you to pop that top!” she cackles and cackles.

Please, please stop.

He left with a gift basket of Pringles, and he carried it very heroically.

Wouldn’t it be great if other heroes did the same?  Not carry Pringles baskets, but sought out advertisers. Like, maybe it would make history less dullsville and more wowsville.

Take Paul Revere. Booorrrrriiinnnnnggg. He rode a horse and bellowed about the British coming, which–granted–was important information. But what if he also could have let the general non-Loyalist public know about some outstanding solutions to their dilemma of what to serve for dinner?

Just think if he had to deliver those pizzas in a 30-minute window? Pretty freakin’ heroic.

Or George Washington. He had shitty teeth. I could forgive that if he crossed the Delaware with his fingertips caked in Cheetos’ dust.

Or Harriet Tubman. She was pretty bad ass, but wouldn’t it have been awesome if she shared some tips on how she evaded slavecatchers?

Or take Lincoln. What the frick does that Gettysburg Address even mean, yo? I don’t care, because now he looks like a dude who could just hang and play hackysack.

See, don’t they seem so much more hero-y?

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I see things different because I’ve added fiber to my diet and now I can shit with the best of them.

I’m Speaker7, and I fight crime with Metamucil.

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19 comments

      1. I have to give credit to the Metamucil. Metamucil–your colon’s draino. I get .0003 cents every time I mention Metamucil. Metamucil.

  1. Speakie Swavown! I had to click that link to find out what inspired this. That guy was eating some chips. And then it was over which made me wonder what all the fuss is about (which I still don’t know).
    And then the new graphics made me think Lincoln was playing hackeysack.

    1. I guess the point is that he was eating some chips heroically? There’s a coward’s way to eat chips and a hero’s way, and he was doing the latter.

  2. There were times when I was so high and hungry in college that the pizza guy DID seem like Paul Revere. Who cares about the British coming when you’ve got munchies like a mother?

  3. I could barely read the rest of the post after that line about butt-accentuating tights. I do not own a butt. A woman without a butt is like a Hells Angel with skin that will not accept a tattoo. Are there really tights like that? I need something to make life worth living.

  4. “crossed the delaware with his fingers caked in cheetos’ dust” – there are no words for your billiance sometimes. good lawd, good lawd, good lawd, thank god you exist. – sm

  5. I thought this was going to be about how sad it was that Christina Aguilera was not aware that she should not wear butt revealing outfits on “The Voice” as per her performance last night. However, you sideswiped me again.
    I do hope you have placed a copyright on your ideas for these snacks as it will not be long before we see them in the main stream. Snack manufacturers are like that, ya, they are.

  6. Fantastic post and photoshop work. If the Tea Party catches wind that Abe Lincoln was in fact a Funyun-munching hippie, well, I don’t even want to think about what might happen.

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