Get Your Mommy War On

Hold onto your bonnets, ladies–the Mommy Wars are back.

Your first question might be: What if I don’t wear a bonnet?

Good question. In the case of non-bonnet-wearing, grab the nearest lady item like a box of Massengill or a DVD of Sex and the City II. Now hold tight because the Mommy Wars are back.

What are the Mommy Wars? you ask.

Oh, you sweet, sweet little woman bird or you precious man bird, if you’re a guy and have continued reading past the Massengill reference. Let’s get educated!

Um…okay, I should admit that I know dick about the Mommy Wars. But I am a librarian, which means I can shush with the best of them, and I had a baby cut out of my uterus, which means I can classify myself as a mommy. Still you might want to head to some Mommy blog or to your actual mommy or watch Mama’s Family to learn the rich history.

You’re still here? Fine, let me search the databases, archives and primary documents (this sounds so librarian-y™ but really I’m just looking at Wikipedia), and let’s take the wheels off this bus. They ain’t goin’ round ‘n round no more. And if that driver tells me to “Move on back!” Mommy’s gonna cut a bitch. I hate that goddamn song.

Okay so the Mommy Wars began when a stay-at-home mom and working mom got into a cat fight over which type of Bounty cleans up spills better. It was vicious, and by the end, over 200 rolls of Bounty quicker picker uppers were needed to soak up the bile.

Blogs and books were written, mainly about rich women’s struggles to have it all or to have it all–while giant corporations continue to put shit in our food that will eventually cause our total zombification.

Things seemed to die down until in February, Gwyneth Paltrow told a magazine “I’m rich and successful, and I told someone you have to compromise to be a wife. Now I’m going to jet off to Italy.” Many people said “I didn’t read that, what did she say? Yeah sorry, wasn’t listening even now.”

Okay so the Mommy Wars flared up yesterday when some rich lady threw a verbal grenade at some super rich lady. The rich lady was like “bitch doesn’t work ever” and the super rich lady said “Butler, hold my calls because I’m gonna push the nuclear button and destroy all humanity. Or I’m going to tweet I’m a stay-at-home mom to five boys, that’s hard work. . . oh and my Mittens is doing kind of shitty with women in the polls because of the shitty things his political party does and says so thanks for turning the focus on this issue.”

This caused mass hysteria. The #IWantToEatJustinBiebersHairpiece was knocked from its number one trending perch. Some person hyperventilated on TV. Another Republican said we need to respect a woman’s choice and then laughed hysterically.  Someone made this travel mug:

The country quickly divided into two camps: Those who make millions in politics and media, and those who don’t give a shit. I am in the latter. That’s why this post ends now.

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23 comments

  1. My daughter told me that Gyneth Paltrow has mommy blog. She says things like “I just made pasta primavera from scratch with homemade pasta grown from my own grains and when it was finished there was a knock at the door and in walked Mario (Batali) and said, ‘Girl, I can smell you a mile away’ and then we sat down and ate it and then I was five minutes late to the awards ceremony.” I told my daughter I could relate since when my kids were little, I served spaghetti out of a can and because I never had enough time to shower, people could smell me at the PTA meeting.

    1. We don’t have cable so one night I found myself sitting through an inane restaurant road trip in Spain with Mario and Gwyneth on PBS. Given the amount of kissing and petting, I was shocked it didn’t end with them doing it.

    2. Ha! Gwyneth’s life sounds like mine. For instance today I ate a significant portion of my son’s Easter basket candy and then took him to the local ag museum. Identical.

  2. Moms are so overrated anyway. With the help of scientists, we can now grow babies without them. I’m betting pink slime can act as surrogate uteruses, and then we can eliminate all this mommy wars nonsense.

    1. Genius. I think that’s what I saw in the Matrix. The people were encased in pods of pink slime like baby Lady Gagas. Let’s do this, and then 50-year-old commentators can stop referring to grown women as mommies. Win-win!

  3. Brilliant take on all of this. But you stopped a nanosecond too soon. Because you forgot about the Catholic Civics group getting in on the whole thing by saying that the less rich bitch is a lesbian and ADOPTED (spit now) her children. So I can vote for Obama in peace now.

    (I’m an adoptive mom and so I have a special radar for these sorts of slights.)

    1. Darn it! I missed this important piece of the mommy puzzle (momzzle™)? It sounds really great. I’m hoping it something like the rich lady can’t say dick about motherhood because she didn’t actually push her children out through her birth canal. I would look it up, but I’m too busy slamming my head into a piano bench.

  4. Yeah, this was funny. Thing is, we all know what he rich lady (Demo) was saying ’bout the super rich lady (Rep) but the media makes it sound like they switched sides. So fu*king stupid. I’m glad you are here to shine a light on the ludicrous. Ms. Romney knows daily reality like Mr. Romney knows how to fix a flat tire. They doesn’t.

  5. I always knew the GOP had mommies’ best interest at heart. Unless the pea sized fetus in in danger. Then mommy can die. And except poor mommies. And except Lesbian mommies. And except atheist mommies. And except Muslim mommies. And except Obama’s mommy.

    1. Also unless the mommy is doing it without the expectation of pregnancy because she already has five kids, and feels she(!) can use birth control. That’s something for Republicans to decide.

  6. Sorry to say I have always been a “mommy wanna be”. But, this stuff is scary. I shall also pitch a tent with you.

  7. Yay, another librarian! It is interesting how the “Mommy Wars” are only fought between rich Mommies because the rest of us are trying to figure out how to pay our bills.

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