Facebook Facepalm

National Public Radio aired a story offering friendly advice to teachers about posting on Facebook. The basic premise is that teachers don’t have the same leeway as others because of the nature of the job. So this status update would not be the best choice:

Neither would this photo:

The story went on to give examples of teachers who lost their jobs over such infractions as calling homosexuality a “perverted sin,” referring to their students as “future criminals” and posting photos of themselves covered in chocolate sauce gyrating next to a stripper.

Fair enough.

Now I don’t want to seem like a scold or anti-freedomy™, but broadcasting your awfulness to the world is not always the right course of action especially when your job is to teach students to take tests made up by people seeking to annihilate all forms of public education. I’ll admit I like to cover myself in applesauce while gyrating next to stuffed animals I dressed up as strippers–in fact I’m doing it right now–the difference is I don’t take pictures of it or let people know about it…oh, sh*t. Unlike.

But should this just be applicable to teachers? Yes, teachers are revered in our society–just ask Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, but if I am not allowed to call my students sludge buckets for the entire world to see, why are you allowed to inundate me with updates about your hiccups?

Now this has never been done before–a blog first, or blirst™–but I’m about to devise a list of Facebook Etiquette, or Facebookquette…no, that doesn’t work…how ’bout Speaker7′s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery? Score. I’m going to trademark it. ™

Speaker7′s Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb™:

  • Don’t write about your hiccups. Or that you’re tired or hungry or yearning to be free. No one cares, unless you’re an actual baby. Then I would be impressed by your ability to spell hiccups, and I would steal you away for an appearance on the Today show calling you the Facebaby™.
  • Don’t post photographs of your fabulous vacation destination that looks nothing like the hellhole I call home. I can’t afford a vacation, jerk, so thanks for rubbing it in my facebook. Oh, you’re not home? I’m going to go break into your house.
  • Don’t post that you’re going to break into someone’s house. That’s going to get you arrested, and you saw how hard that was for Paris Hilton. She’s a warrior.
  • Don’t call Paris Hilton a warrior. Even though you are kidding, humor doesn’t translate well on Facebook, and people will think you’re stupid and out of touch. Paris Hilton is sooooo 2000.
  • Don’t write FML about anything unless you a literally fucking your life, and if you are doing that, post pictures.
  • Don’t write angry diatribes about slut women or gay immigrants under my status update about watching the Republican debate and vomiting into a bucket. We clearly don’t see things from the same perspective, and ranting like a dehydrated former child star won’t change things.
  • And finally, never use Facebook.


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39 comments

  1. I do think writing that Paris Hilton is a warrior will, instead of making people think you are stupid, generate about 1000 thumbs up, toes up, penises up, and lots of great comments. Can I right here and now declare myself your #1 fan? Can I tell you this should be Freshly Pressed? I have nothing more to give.

  2. Hellz Yayah!

    You could add a chapter titled “Nobody Wants To See What You’re F*cking Eating So Stop Posting Pictures Of Every G*ddamn Meal”.

    It could come right after “How Do I Unfriend Thee? Let Me Count The Ways.”

  3. Great post! But personally, I think that your very last point is your best point. But since I’m probably one of five people left in the world, who have a computer with internet access, but who won’t use Facebook, your “Guide to Non-Asshattery on Facebookery” is performing a valuable public service!

  4. This is Survival of the Fittest at its finest. If they can’t figure out that posting pictures of putting their students in a chokehold might get them fired…well, we can’t help them. The American educational system is already in enough trouble.

    I must say that the most glorious thing I ever saw on my Facebook feed was a Sunday School teacher who accidentally posted a picture of her breasts (she meants to text them to someone) to her page. She couldn’t figure out how to get it down for nearly an hour.

  5. I love this post. The bong pic is hilar. The trademarked words make me want to trademark words. I love your use of awful. Facebook is popular because we’re all narcissists. It makes blogging look like the Peace Corps. Please don’t get Freshly Pressed again because all the riff raff is annoying.

    1. I like when people post status updates like “I’m against setting snakes on fire and flinging them at the elderly. Let’s see who else has the guts to post this..” or some such blipdeblop™ as if this will stop people setting snakes on fire and flinging them at the elderly.

  6. Anti-Freedomy. How about Anti-Freedoomy? I like the doom bit. No, scratch that, sounds a bit like sodomy.

    I’m a teacher. I have Facebook. Facebook is dumb. Students always ask me if they can be my “friend”. I think they know the answer when I burst out laughing.

    1. My rule of thumb is if I wouldn’t scream it in the public square, I wouldn’t write in on Facebook. Since I do minimal screaming in the public square, i rarely post anything on Facebook.

  7. I’m posting these rules on my Facebook page at this very moment while I simultaneously gyrate covered in a can of fruit cocktail watching The Muppets.

    No blog makes me laugh out loud more often than this one. I would go so far as to write “FML” but I just now learned it didn’t mean Fat Muppet Laughing.

    1. While I may be covered in dill relish and doing the robot, I still have one hand free to type thank you for your generous comments.
      I would like to start a world movement that changes FML to mean Fat Muppet Laughing. Who’s with me?

  8. It would be great if you could put together a “dictionary” of sorts with all your trademarked words. I would gladly pay royalties to use a couple of them. ;-)

  9. I’m with you on FML — but you know there aren’t nearly enough female muppets. Jim Henson was clearly sexist. We have Miss Piggy and Janice and just a few more. Who else is there. Angie? Angie? Are you there?

    But I’d like to be a nameless FML. And I’d like to stay off of Facebook too. Perhaps we can invent Buttbook, the rival media site for the socially inept.

    1. I don’t usually troll other people’s comments to see if my name was mentioned, but I felt my nose itching and then I noticed it was covered in hair from licking my cat (also see The Middlest Sister).

      I’m partial to Prairie Dawn from Sesame Street even though she’s like the dull Mary Tyler Moore among the rest of the wild and crazy group. You’re right; it does seem sexist. Although, Miss Piggy is one helluva woman.

      Buttbook? That is really something special right there.

      1. I think we should form a nonprofit and purchase buttbook.com. WordPress autocorrect tried to change it to buttock.com–I think it wants to steal this buttastic idea. We could do that or maybe form a band and call it buttbook.

      2. Fine with me, but I need to get a much bigger powder puff before I debut. And when the movie of our exploits come out, Scarlett Johansen is playing me.

    1. I’m impressed considering I don’t know how to use a cell phone or a lawn tractor. Do you pin it like bugologists pin butterflies? Is it on a piece of cardboard somewhere, the corners flitting slightly as its life ebbs away?

      1. yes, but more like that creepy guy’s collection in the basement of ‘silence of the lambs’ because my beginning internet ventures are NEVER f’en pretty!

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