A Gift from the Direct Mail Gods

As you know, I received a non-pink pink slip the other day. At first, things seemed bleak, but as the saying goes: “When one door closes, a mailbox opens and in that mailbox is a barely glued flyer containing the most important documents on earth.”

Evidence:

This arrived yesterday. I got the feeling that it was extremely urgent (I’m psychic) so I threw the mail on the table, ate five Reese mini-eggs and flipped through Entertainment Weekly. My heart pounded in anticipation when I remembered nine hours later that I received something important in the mail.

It was like a gift from the gods of direct mail mass marketing. Their names are Bob and Gennifer:

I could win a car or a 3D TV or an iPAD 3 or a Kindle (not a Kindle Fire? Boo!) if I just matched three like symbols. Amazingly I had two of each….what could the center spot be???

This was nearly as thrilling as the four to five chain emails I receive weekly from work colleagues that tell me unspeakable horror will befall me if I do not forward to 10 “lucky” “friends”.  This was almost as exciting as the day I received a paper prayer rug from a post office box calling itself “Saint Matthew’s Church.” The helpful letter told me I could use a placemat bearing Jesus’s face to pray for a car just like Jesus did when he fed the masses at Walmart.

Was my prayer answered?

Bingo.

This is the American Dream, my friends. Why just a mere two days ago, I was adrift.

Now I can go to some random mall parking lot, and insert a key with metal the consistency of a yogurt top, into an American Dream Machine™.

I wonder what it will be?

Could it be this, and then I could have a new profession of delivering prayer rugs and credit card applications to others?

Could it be a hog, and then I could have a legitimate midlife crisis a few years early?

Could it be a real hog?

Will it help me compensate for my unusually tiny penis?

Will it be a gas guzzler?

Will it even be a car??

So much incredibly urgent excitement.

Yes, I may soon be unemployed, but I will have a dope ride to park in the driveway when I stay inside and become the shape of a Reese mini egg due to the constant eating of said eggs.

You can have this too. Simply forward this to 10 friends or else the world will explode.

All the best,

Speaker7

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25 comments

  1. I’m seriously impressed that you get paper prayer rugs. The best I ever did was Native American blankets that were the consistency of a Bounty paper towel. I figure they are getting back at us, so I’m not complaining. I didn’t know there was a line of Fisher Price people with bad attitudes.

  2. Maybe your future lies in career training for moms with Fisher Price and Lego toy folks — you can teach them just exactly what to do with that stuff. Call up Matt Lauer and see if he will feature you this week on Today.

  3. My last chain email asked to to forward a prayer to eleven friends. The chain god must know I have more friends than you. But I couldn’t think of eleven people I hated enough to send a chain letter to.

  4. You look different from how I imagined. Angrier. Also, you have elephant gas station attendants in the USA? AWESOME!

    1. That is actually my placid expression.

      America is the land of opportunity–even for elephants. Well unless you an illegal immigrant from Mexico or some other Central American, South American country…then America gets kinda weird. But the elephant is from Amherst NY where Fisher Price toys once were made.

  5. If one of your goals with this post was to have me gag with laughter on my coffee it worked…

    I got the paper prayer rug last spring…I’ve gotten all of the mail you’ve mentioned actually…but I remember standing in the kitchen with the paper rug feeling a baffled and a little bit giddy with confusion…nice to know I’m not alone.

    (thanks too for bringing out warm fuzzy five year old memory’s with the fisher-price photos…do you have the monkey swing too? amazing that I can remember that, but not for sure why my iphone timer is going off for which reminder…yk?)

    1. I don’t have the monkey swing. I want the monkey swing. I need it. Where is my prayer rug? Oh, here it is. I will now pray for the monkey swing. Thank you for being my spiritual guide.

  6. How oh how did I miss this fantastic gem of a post? Perhaps if it had been mailed to me in a barely glued flyer printed with the words Extremely Urgent Priority Mail I would’ve noticed it sooner. So things are really looking up now, eh?

    That Fisher Price Little People guy is a masculent version of exactly how I imagined you to look. Have they not changed their faces in 200 years? I have a 1971 Fisher Price merry-go-round and the carnie running it looks just like this guy.

  7. It might be the same carnie. These are the Fisher Price toys from the 1970s. The ones from today are lame and really big….obesity is a serious issue facing this country. Our toys even struggle with it.

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