A Pink Slip Isn’t Pink

So you’ve just been handed a letter. You may be confused at first. You thought pink slips were pink. That’s what television has taught you–that, and when you stand up to someone, someone else will inevitably start a slow clap, which builds to thunderous applause.

This slip is white, and it’s not a slip, but just a piece of high-end letterhead. Wait, shouldn’t we use random scraps of paper, preferably used coffee filters and toilet paper toss offs, especially since we are in a budget crunch? Let’s focus. The pinkish-hued white letter slip reads that your employer may not meet be able to meet its contractual obligation for the next school year with regard to your employment. Huh?

You might be fired.

Like this:

Oh, and I just bought a $702 toilet, you say. The man who gave you the letter looks at you strangely. You realize that wasn’t the response you wanted to give even though you did just purchase a $702 toilet.

These are bad economic times, and you are in a profession that many people think is irrelevant because of the Internet, so you knew this was coming. That doesn’t mean that you can’t handle the news with panache.

Here are 10,000 or maybe 6 (it depends on how tired I am and/or how much wine I drink) tips to follow when given a pinkish-hued white letter slip of laid-offness:

  • Try not to throw yourself on the ground and thrash about. This could cause rug burn or floor burn if your floor is sans rug. You might get a staple embedded in your back or someone’s toenail. Toenails fall off at an alarming rate. If you feel compelled to thrash, go outside and roll around in the grass, unless you’re wearing white. Who wears white after Labor Day? When can we wear white? The day before Labor Day, and then never again? So many questions. Look out for dog crap
  • Don’t cry. What are you John Boehner? He cries when he runs out of a tissues, which is hourly, friend. If you feel the tears brimming and the bottom lip shaking, excuse yourself by saying “Oh, I think a bee just flew up my nose” or “I just saw kids running” or “I just heard Danny Boy.” Whatever, just think of something to get you out of the room. “Hey everybody, half-priced toilets at Target! Let’s go!”
  • Sure it sucks, but this is not the time to tell the world what you think of it–that’s reserved for when you are delivering a drunken toast at a wedding. You’re still not technically fired so going through a bullet by bullet list of why the person who gave you the letter sucks bees is not the way to go–unless someone else is around to give the slow clap. Do anything and everything to get the slow clap.
  • Don’t post on Facebook that your boss is Satan. Yes, your boss is Satan but your future Satanic boss will ask you for your password to Facebook.
  • Do buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. If you win $540 million, you can call anyone Satan.
  • Don’t plan a Twilight wedding and changed your surname to “Cullen”. This has nothing to do with this post, but in general, just don’t do it. The world thanks you.
  • Do use your laidoffness as an excuse to not do anything like cook. We’ve been eating out a lot, and it’s been fantastic.
  • Do plan for the future, e.g., I plan to drink this second glass of wine, cry while watching Dance Moms and pass out.

Slow clap.

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29 comments

  1. I am so, so sorry! My prayer is that this turns into an unexpected and amazing opportunity instead of a setback.

    On a lighter note, is it okay if i plan a Dance Moms wedding instead?

  2. In one of my favorite movies, “Broadcast News” – most of the news department gets laid off at the end of the movie. The officious obnoxious obtuse boss says, “Is there anything I can do for you?” and one of the laid-off guys says, “Well, you can die soon.”
    I love that line.

  3. Oh, you had mentioned that this might be coming. We’re with you, Speaker7. I’m having a glass of wine in your honor. When I win that lottery, I will certainly send you a bottle. And hire you to write my blog.

  4. Selfish me says, I love when you drink and type.

    Unselfish me says, slow clap.

    I have no idea what a pink slip means but it sounds like it’s even worse than pink slime. I’m so sorry, my friend. What if I were to quit my job too and we could start up our own business selling, oh I don’t know, hamster towns?

  5. You were clearly meant to be a writer anyway. So do what I do – when someone shuts a door in ur face, find their nearest window, open it and start hurling hot dogs rt thru it, rapid fire, machine gun style, until they call security. Then work on ur writing cause ur good and I’d pay to read it.

  6. S7! Joe, my biz partner, is an art teacher and has received the stupid semi-pink slip five times. It’s ridiculous, but I’m guessing they’re going to keep you on. They like to do this for budgeting purposes and because they are a-holes. I am willing you to still have a job. You shall survive.

  7. I wish I had handled my “pinkish slip” with your style. Of course I didn’t have my blog then to…vent…no, to express myself. I didn’t have wine either but I made good use of the Scotch in the house. There are 1,000+ things I can say that are totally useless things that people say when this happens. Most of it is crap and really just makes them feel better. So all I will say is that I hope you will,
    Keep rambling, keep rumbling, keep writing.

  8. One of my tips would be to get a copy of the detailed budget for the school system, cut the top administration salaries by half, make notes in the margin about line item waste, budget for a school music and arts department, add and increase teacher salaries, hire another librarian per school to help teach kids how to look stuff up in a library, online or otherwise (which is IMMENSELY important to know), and write-in financial penalties for mismanagement of school funds. Send to the address from whence came the pinkish-hued white letter slip.

  9. so sorry, speaker7. i think you were meant to write, too. or do stand-up? or write for someone who does stand-up? or write while standing up? something like that. i will drink in your honor as soon as i can (that will help in some small way that i haven’t figured out yet but a beer sounds good). things will work out. and i hope you win the lotto!

  10. C……………………….l………………………..a……………………………..p.

    You seem to know an awful lot about the possible consequences of thrashing about on the ground.

    Also, I can’t believe how expensive toilets are. Also, since my nickname is Satan (really), feel free to call me Satan if that would make you feel better. It won’t offend me.

    Also, I’m really sorry to hear about the pink-ish slip. Totally sucks, new toliet or not. I make good cookies, want me to send you some?

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