Will Work For Job

I have a knack for entering a career at the exact moment that career begins to decline. I worked as a newspaper reporter in a bureau that currently no longer exists. I got out at the right time (after the second buyout and before the first furlough) to start my new career as a school librarian. Right around 2008. Something else happened in 2008….what was it? Hmm.

Oh right, the financial meltdown.

My school district is in a financial hole, my position is unmandated and my administrators (who make 4 to 5 times more than me) think “well, she just reads books to kids, couldn’t a toy monkey clanging cymbals together do that?” (Answer: yes)

So there’s a 110 percent chance I will be laid off the end of this school year.

Now I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, one where I can buy food and have shelter. You’re likely thinking “Speaker7, get off your high horse.”

So if I want to continue this lifestyle, I need to start planning for the future. Maybe I’ll open a bookstore, one that also sells CDs.

Don’t worry, I will let you know what I choose the moment I choose it so you can leave that career path immediately before it begins its inevitable decline.

Possible career paths

TV Loudmouth

There is a lot of money to be made in being loud and being on TV. The key is to say something really awful to get someone to pay attention to you, interview you and ask why you say such awful things to which you respond “Typical gotcha question from the liberal media elite.” Possible loudmouth scenario: “Bomb Cameroon! You heard me. Why? They’ve got gorillas. A gorilla once ignored me at the zoo even when I banged as hard as I could on the glass to get her attention away from nursing her baby–which is gross. Breastfeeding is child abuse and if you don’t do it, you are a monster, and if you do do it, you’re no better than a gorilla. What’s my point? My point is women are whores.”

Upside: Crazy uncles parroting my phrases at family gatherings. Coffee mugs with my name on them.

Downside: Having to live with myself.

Haberdasher

Look on any street corner and what do you see? Pawn shops and stores that buy gold. Okay, yes those, but look at some of the other storefronts. Tattoo parlors and furniture rentals. Yes, yes, but keep looking don’t you see that haberdasher shop? No.

Upside: Redemption. In high school, I tried to snag the part of the beloved haberdasher in  The Taming of the Shrew. The part had one line. This was the line: “Here is the cap your worship did bespeak.” I recited the line as if I was the top haberdasher in Verona. I didn’t get the part. The setting is Padua. Completely different haberdasher.

Downside: What is a haberdasher?

Child Star Manager

My 2-year-old son is very cute and game for anything. Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a tree?” Him: “Yes.” Me: “Want to go throw pinecones at a bush?” Him: “Yes.” I taught him the infamous haberdasher line from The Taming of the Shrew and he totally nailed it.

Upside: Carvel Ice Cream card and other perks.

Downside: I love my son.

Public Librarian

I’ve already got the MLS–seems like a good transition if you discount the reduction in library aid, the zero job openings, and the patrons who only go to the library to look at porn.

Upside: Dewey!

Downside: The public. Cleaning up the public’s bodily fluids.

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32 comments

  1. What about music teacher? Then you could bang the cymbals together! And you forget reality TV star. Maybe your show could be about tracking down the haberdasher, like “Keeping Up With the Haberdashers.” You’d probably get a few seasons done before anyone realized the show wasn’t about anything.

    1. Music teachers are unmandated too because music is stupid. So is art.
      But reality TV sounds awesome, and I would only slight tweak that outstanding title to “Keeping Up with the Haberdashians.”

    1. Thank you.
      I think with the last option, I have about a 0.2 percent chance of success. Maybe I could charge every reader a nickel for reading my post and then I could make .45 cents a week.

  2. Actually, Speaker7 you could make a mint for a few years as a TV Loudmouth. Since that would mean that the profession will die, you will (1) perform a humanitarian service; and (2) save for retirement. If you are successful in eliminating TV Loudmouths as a species, I will personally nominate you for the Nobel Peace Prize.

    1. I am working on my fake outrage, my blowhardiness, my falafel-scrubbing skills, my yelling, my conspiracy theories at this very moment. I really want a Nobel Peace Prize. It would look nicely next to my 6th grade citizenship award.

      1. Using the phrase “falafel scrubbing” should earn you some kind of prize… because it is hilarious.

  3. This might be my favorite post since you wrote about that hilarious new comedy show about the people who dress in drag to get jobs. Hey, you could maybe do that?

    What about that amazing offer I emailed you a while back — to move next door to me and be my blog intern (okay, I’ll be your blog intern)? Upside: housing is cheap as dirt here. Downside: Glen Beck’s face is printed on our money.

  4. I think this needs to be Freshly Pressed, although that won’t get you anywhere either. I’m so tired of hearing about people making gobs of money because they started businesses that other people pay gobs of money for (Oh look! This woman goes into people’s homes and sorts through their underwear drawer and throws out all the nasty worn stuff! And she is making a fortune doing this! Oh look! This person gets paid to call people and yell at them because the people who want to yell at them don’t want to yell at them! But they pay someone else to do it! And this person is making a fortune!)

    1. Don’t you get a squeezed lemon when you are chosen freshly pressed? I could use that squeezed lemon for the lemonade stand I plan to hold outside my house on the four-lane highway that is my sweet neighborhood street. Truck drivers love lemonade. Maybe trucking companies would pay gobs of money from the lemonade I make from that one lemon?

  5. Now I know what you look like! A Hipster! (That’s the same as librarian).
    You can make a lot of money if you have your son throw a pinecone at your husband’s crotch and film it.
    I hope your job continues, because we need libareez.

    1. I was thinking of possible viral video topics. That would get me on the Today show for sure, and a chance to make out with Matt Lauer.

      Liberians are stoopid becuz we gots Inter-netz.

  6. It’s funny you mention bodily fluids at the public library, because I recently got a card and started taking books out rather than buying as part of my money saving plan (I’m hoping my next career is retirement), and the stench in the check out line on my first visit was horrifying. I actually bought anti-bacterial wipes on the way home and scrubbed the books I’d checked out. They only got a little damp.

    I’m sorry about your job. Your story makes me feel guilty about my work burnout, because I know I’m lucky to have my secure job. Getting paid to blog would be ideal, no?

    1. Good idea with the wipes. You would not believe how grimy your hands can feel after a day of handling library books. In my profession, I mainly have to worry about boogers and childhood diseases. The public library book makes me shudder.

  7. You and I should clearly join forces, since everything I invest in instantly goes into a nosedive … maybe we could start a Career & Investment Counseling Service! Just take whatever we think is a good career/investment opportunity and do the opposite … solid gold!!!

  8. Remember books like “Z”, and “Who moved my Cheese,” and “How to Swim With the Sharks Without Getting Eaten?” I always thought I should write a book about how to succeed in business by doing exactly the opposite of everything I do and did. I’m sure it would be widely successful, because I sure as sh.. ain’t. Betty’s idea made me think of it. Just do the opposite of everything I tell you to do, and you will be wildly successful. That “Freshly Pressed” thing has long ago driven me insane, but I’ve been assured by many that it has absolutely nothing to do with how well you write. It’s all about title, pictures, and a clever heading on your blog that looks good on WordPress home page.

  9. oh, my, god. this is so good. i suffer the in similar ways. i’ve spent a lifetime getting good and things that everyone refuses to pay for. i don’t know why i chose ‘candystripper’ as a career choice – and i mean the free one, that does nurse like things, not a woman named candy on a pole. how many p’s are in stripper!!! goddern it!!! anyway, loved. loved. loved.

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