I Take My Burka in an Extra Large.

Do things seem weird?

A little, right?

They do. They do seem weird because they are. I started my Turd of the Week™ segment as a lark, not expecting that elected officials would get so weird about women. But weird about women they have become (almost as weird as the grammar in that sentence).

I am not a fan of either political party. Politicians make me itch like a scorching case of chlamydia. Thankfully I can get some antibiotics from my local Planned Parenthood…oh, that’s right, I can’t. It’s on fire.

See, I say I despise both parties (and I do, believe me), but the Republicans have really been extra Taliban these last few months so this post is mainly about them because frankly, they are awful. Almost as awful as an adult woman wanting to use birth control to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Those goddamn sluts.

I keep having to remind myself that it is 2012. It is, yes? The pill has been around for awhile. Right? It’s good to prevent unwanted pregnancy. (?) Is it? Yes. Yes? Help.

Then what’s with all these weird laws that are trying to be passed under the guise of “religious freedom?” From my limited understanding of our country, the founding fathers were like: “Dudes, religion fucks shit up so let’s make that shit separate from this other stuff, yo.” And John Hancock was like “I’m gonna sign my name all big and shit and people will be like, respeck.” And Alexander Hamilton was like “Whaa?? I can’t run for president? Boo. Oh great, I’ve just been mortally wounded in a duel. That sucks.” And Benjamin Franklin was like “I’m gonna have all kinds of sex, and fly a kite in a thunderstorm and that will be money…so money, I will appear on money.”

Fast-forward to now, and people are wearing tri-corner hats and holding misspelled signs demanding the government get rid of the few safeguards still in place, but also demanding the government take a weird interest in the sex life of women.

Proof:

My mom, who was told she could not become a doctor because of her ovaries (same reason her rightful spot of valedictorian was given to a dude), says it’s about time young women had a taste of the bullshit of the past.  I’m paraphrasing. But her point is that things were really dark for women and for awhile things were better, so much better that young women were like “I would never call myself a feminist because that means I have a mustache. And I don’t. I wax. I’m now going to take my top off for Girls Gone Wild because I can get a trucker hat.” But now things are dark again.

So dark that some elected dude in Wisconsin is like “bitch needs to stay married regardless.” According to this obvious Turd of the Week™ (another early winner, my heart can’t take much more of this), single parenthood–meaning the mommy type–is child abuse so even if your husband is beating you about the face with a bag of doorknobs, please try to “re-find those reasons and get back to why (you) got married in the first place.”

Right.

And the Senate Republicans are trying to block the expansion of the Violence Against Women Act because it would be expanded to include same sex couples and immigrants. Basically if you get the shit kicked out of you, it should be done on your home turf (okay, immigrants?) and by a dude (okay, lesbians?).

My question is this: Can we enact legislation to protect ourselves from these turds other people elected into office?

I don’t know.

But jiminy crickets, ladies, it’s time to set aside the trucker hats and at least not vote more of these loathsome turdpiles into office, right?

Or else the burka ain’t far behind.

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24 comments

  1. Do you go looking for these turds, or do they find you? My soul soars with love and other fuzzy things when I read your Turds of the Week. Is my mustache showing? Aw, fuck it.

  2. By far one of your best posts ever. Damn! Funny but I’m bleeding. I swear we’re gonna see Rick Santorum busted at a gay bar pretty soon. And what the fu*k does that sign mean?
    I don’t understand.
    I’m prayin’ for common sense to pull us through.

    1. Thanks Les. It amazes me that Rick Santorum is a viable candidate. He doesn’t believe the Earth is more than 6,000 years old–that alone should disqualify someone from being able to run for president.

      1. hey there. unrelated comment, ready??? go!
        les happens to be my dad. he introduced me to your blog- and indeed, as he said, you are hilarious (goddammit, why are the parents always right?). do you by chance read the online women’s magazine jezebel? after reading your blog, i think of your wit every time i read one of their particularly entertaining articles (case-in-point: http://jezebel.com/5896523/the-top-29-reasons-why-its-okay-to-creepily-stare-at-womens-butts)
        cheers- and thanks for the good reads!

      2. Hey Mizsophiesustenance,
        I’m a delighted to virtually meet you. Your dad Les is one of my favorite bloggers of all time. I will try not to disappoint, but occasionally I suffer from lameness and lack of imagination.

  3. This post is so hilarious, but so sad at the same time. I remember watching videos about the big protests in Saudi Arabia where the women got in cars and drove and thinking, “Shit, we could be there soon, too.” It is very scary what is going on right now. Your mom is kind of right. We do need a wake up call because those right wing men really would like us all at home barefoot, knocked up, and in the kitchen. Maybe we can stop the people who voted these turds in from ever voting again? I’d like that.

      1. I would hope that all women see this as an assault on women’s rights and vote accordingly, but who the frog knows. I don’t understand why anyone other than white male millionaires votes Republican.

  4. Were we separated at birth? You are right about everything. And I don’t look good in a burka, so I am gonna fight it. I am going to get more democrats elected starting at the lower levels so they can’t sneak up on me and slap that burka on me.

    I’m old enough to remember when Iran went from being a progressive society to a burka-wearing one. Scarry stuff.

    1. I think the first thing that needs to change is campaign finance. Right now only the wealthy can afford to run for higher office. That noise needs to stop.

  5. Oh sweet Christ, any woman who says ‘beaten about the face w a bag of doorknobs’ has my highest comedy praise. I may have to stalk u until we become friends. No for real, but I mean it less creepy-like. Well done or as they say in the motherland – hear, hear.

    1. Aw shucks, thanks. We can be friends without any stalking being necessary. I’m not that interesting to stalk. I sit in front of a laptop computer until I crash at about 8:30.

  6. The only part of me that looks good is the lower half of my face so I’ll be DAMNED if they make me cover it up with a burka.

    Also, I kind of appreciate that woman’s sign. Although, I would have replaced “uterus” with “vagina” because you’ll never get a guy’s attention by asking him to get in your uterus.

  7. Could I wear my Girls Gone Wild trucker hat over top of my burka? Because then I’m totally okay with it. And seeing that my two births weren’t too dangerous, I’m okay with giving up the pill. I’ll stop slutting around with my husband and start procreating with him instead. I’m also okay with the lobotomy Rick Santorum just now performed on my brain.

    I’m madly in love with this post.

    1. I think you need to go on that new fashion reality show with Jessica Simpson and start finding some buyers for that look cuz that look is fierce (that’s what designers say, yes? At least the ones on reality TV).

      I’m going to Walgreen’s tonight to get my free Santorum lobotomy. I hope right after I can make a big stink about some woman trying to obtain the morning after pill. I better bring my bullhorn.

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