Stillborn Turd

What are the differences between cows and women? I’m sorry I should probably rephrase that. Are there any differences between cows and women?

Hmmm.

I honestly don’t know. They both produce milk. They both can be moo-thers (did you see what I did there? No, I don’t either). They both are livestock.

I can see then why Terry England, a Georgia state representative, thought it completely appropriate to talk about livestock delivering stillborn babies in a discussion about a bill requiring women to deliver stillborn babies. Well, the bill prohibits any abortion after 20 weeks even if the fetus or mother are in distress.

Guys, Terry’s been there. He’s been there when his cow delivered a stillborn calf. He’s seen his pigs deliver stillborn piglets. It breaks his heart, but the point is–they can do it. So why can’t the ladies, am I right?

Why can’t the ladies just eat their cud, swish their tails and not worry about the dead fetal tissue inside of them until they lay on the barnyard floor and Terry shows up.

It’s completely the same.

Oh wait—I forgot the amazing incentive. Listen to this, it is seriously awesome. So Terry England was talking to some young feller about “dog or hog hunting” (that’s a thing?), and the feller’s like “Look, I make my living fighting chickens.”

This guy is total “salt of the earth people,” Terry assures.

He says “Terry, I’ve got to tell you something…when they quit killing babies, they can have every chicken I’ve got.”

Excuse me. I need to compose myself.

I’m back.

So can we do that everyone? Can we think of the poor, poor chickens? Aren’t chickens–like women–livestock too? I know they lay eggs, but sometimes those eggs are empty, and then used in Easter egg hunts.

I imagine Terry England has advisers, right? I wonder how that conversation went after Terry delivered that heartbreaking speech.

Adviser: Okay, so tell me again what you said.

England: I said calves and pigs deliver stillborn babies all the time so why not women who are mainly a different type of livestock.

Adviser: Wow. Okay. Um. Okay.

England: I was just speaking from my salt-of-the-earth heart.

Adviser: I understand. Not the best comparison, I might add.

England: Does it really matter? It’s not like they can vote.

Adviser: No..no actually they can. Since 1920, as a matter of fact. So yes, they do vote.

England: Shit. Are you sure? Cuz last I checked, my cows don’t go to the polls.

Adviser: Right, but see, women are humans.

England: No way. Really?

Adviser: Yes.

England: Goddang.Well, look, I was just talking to my buddies. No one’s going to care about that.

Adviser: You were giving a speech before the Georgia Legislature, and it was filmed.

England: I like hog hunting.

Adviser: It’s okay. I think we can spin it…..maybe we can say your microscopic penis made you say these things. It is really small. I mean, it’s almost a vagina, but the good thing is no one would make you actually carry dead fetal tissue because you have no reproductive organs, and that is beyond insane, but my point is, is that you have the smallest dick in the world.

England: Yup.

Adviser: So even if your career in politics is over, you could have a career going to state fairs as the man with smallest penis in the history of penises–so that’s something.

England: I like dog hunting.

What also is something, is that I found my Turd of the Week™ and it’s only Tuesday. Way to go America!

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26 comments

  1. Wow… I can see why this turd delivery couldn’t wait until Friday. Brilliantly written satire here, but I’m having trouble laughing right now. But not your fault… You see, I used to live in a land called America, but somehow I got lost in The Twilight Zone, and I’m waiting for Rod Serling to introduce the story of the madness of this place I’m now in, that looks just like America, except all lies are the truth, and the truth is lies, while the past is presently becoming our future, and what’s “right” has never been more wrong.

  2. Oh wow. That is hilarious & so disturbing. And scary. I’m just glad we can vote. At least for now. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t read The Handmaid’s Tale. It’s starting to look like a possibility, not fiction.

  3. How did I miss this guy! Thank you for enlightening me. And for giving me nightmares. Damn, I’d better get a glass of milk so I can sleep …

  4. So how does forcing women to deliver stillborn babies tie into the “Choose Life” theme? If nature should always be allowed to take its course, then old men experiencing erectile dysfunction should just be told “when a bull gets to old to get the job done, he’s butchered and sold for dog food and leather…”

  5. This post was freakin hilarious. I’m so glad there is NO WAY IT CAN BE BASED ON SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAID OUT LOUD.

    Right?

    If cows can do it? Oh lordy.

    1. I was hoping this was some sort of brilliant performance art, but no. Sadly no. I’m just worried that someone will top this.

      Oh wait! Someone kind of has. I was going to write about this, but I’ve been living in a tunnel I dug in my backyard for the last few days. Some politician wants a law requiring women to provide employers proof that their birth control is for medical reasons and not solely for preventing pregnancy. If it’s only for the slut purposes then the employer can deny coverage.

  6. When I once heard that calves were unnaturally and prematurely taken from their mothers, forced to lie stationary for weeks so that their muscles don’t develop and fed grass beyond their stomach’s capacity, I decided that I would not eat veal. Nope. Not until us human mothers have the same rights that cow mothers have and can lend our own babies to fulfill such a high-proffiting delicacy. If Bessie can do it, I can too.

    Long live Terry the Turd.

  7. I think the man was probably stillborn himself. Is this the same fuck wit that had those ‘brilliant’ opinions on what he believed rape to be or not to be? Obviously a woman’s health and mental well being is not high on his list of concerns. Perhaps he should go back to fucking his cows. What a dickhead.
    Aside from this, I laughed my tits off!

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