Hall of Famous Turd

I am appalled.

I am appalled that Missouri allows its Hall of Famous Missourians to be denigrated in such manner, but alas it is true.

The Hall of Famous Missourians will soon feature a bronze replica of the medicine ball-sized head of Rush Limbaugh placed precariously on a crate of Oxycontin.

That is not why I am appalled. I am appalled that such a great man will have to share the same space with such sluts as Laura Ingalls Wilder, Sacajawea and George Washington Carver, the man who “invented” the word “slut nut.”

Rush Limbaugh has given so much to the world. He has called members of the National Organization of Women “whores.” He referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as “people having a good time.” He called the poor Missourian children who receive free lunch “wanton little waifs and serfs.” He’s provided the reasoning behind Hillary Clinton’s inability to join the Marines as: “they didn’t have uniforms or boots big enough to fit that butt or those ankles.” In essence, he is a Missouri hero.

What did Laura Ingalls Wilder do? Slut it up with Almanzo Wilder.

Sacajawea? Lent herself out as an escort to Lewis and Clark.

George Washington Carver? Invented the peanut allergy…oh, and was a huge whorebag.

Luckily Missouri House Speaker Steven Tilley has provided the panacea to the scorching case of herpes that is the Hall of Famous Missourians.

Tilley is a political rain man–not only picking Limbaugh, but defending his choice during the firestorm surrounding the latest horrible comments uttered by a drug-addicted colostomy bag.

“I knew some people didn’t like him, but there’s a lot of people in the Hall of Famous Missourians that weren’t the most popular people and that took controversial stances,” said Tilley.

“I’m an excellent driver,” he added.

That’s true. Hall of Famous Missourians alum Dale Carnegie pissed people off all the time with his annoying ability to win friends and influence people. Carnegie said: “Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.”

What a dick.

Some people–let’s call them whores?..yes, whores–are upset by Tilley’s choice to honor an anal cyst (thanks Les!) over other Missourians like Maya Angelou and Langston Hughes. But I think Tilley shows courage. It takes courage to throw one’s political career into the toilet with a huge-crusted turd.

So Steven Tilley, you deserve your own award. You have received the coveted Turd of the Week™. I will get it bronzed posthaste.

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21 comments

    1. I’m looking forward to 25 years from now when the latest Missouri House Speaker chooses Steven Tilley as the next Famous Missourian, and the sculpture depicts Tilley with his head up Limbaugh’s copious behind.

  1. Steven Tilley! This guy is totally cool. I can understand him defending Rush Limbaugh because they are both cut from the same soiled diaper. My question is, how do you bronze a turd? Doesn’t the turd melt as it’s dipped into the bronze? Because I was thinking maybe they could just dip these guys straight into the molten metal. That would be totally cool.

    1. I can always count on you to come up with the perfect solution to a problem. I was having that exact issue with the turd, and now I know what I can do. Thanks so much.

    1. Didn’t they discover that new one that’s kind of like earth? Can we go there? Or do you think they have their own turds over there? I might just start tunneling underground until I reach the molten core and disintegrate.

  2. Fantastic post. I think it’d be great if Steven Tilley would mold Rush Limbaugh’s medicine ball-sized head out of a warm turd and then place it on a pedestal carved from the deflated dreams of poor women and children. I think God would slap his own face and say, “You’ve done right by me, Steven.”

    1. You have taken a great idea and transformed it into a fantastic idea. I am currently drafting a letter to Tilley right now about changing the use of clay to fecal matter.

      You are so right about God’s reaction.

      1. Yes, something like that.

        Or “One good turd deserves another…”

        Or “Turd the other cheek”…

        Or….wait, I better go do some work

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