Stop the (Word)Presses!!!

Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.

I have a HUGE announcement.

So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.

Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].

The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.

This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).

I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.

Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening.  And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?

Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.

This is what I’m going to give my son:

Gun-Totin' Teddy™. Shoots real bullets!

This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”

This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.

Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.

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18 comments

    1. I know–this is as exciting as the throat clearing I just did. At first, I had a little phlegm and then I went *ahem* and it was better. The Today show will be reporting this on Friday. Stay tuned.

    1. That would be nice, but now the 25,345 promos I watched in the span of 20 minutes makes me think this is the most important thing to happen since a dog pooped on a mailman.

  1. Great post, and love the dripping and most deserved sarcasm for this “exclusive” non event that seems to be just a variation of so many other now “dime a dozen” (or what they should be worth) “exclusive non events.
    What a society we live in these days! Teen daughter humiliates dad on Facebook – Dad retaliates by humiliating teen daughter on YouTube, and supposedly to teach her a lesson about responsibility. – The Today Show is now responsible for turning this pathetic exchange into a BIG PAY DAY for dad and teen daughter, and teaches… just what exactly, about responsibility??? Only lesson to be learned now, is that there is big money to be made by entertaining big masses of easily amused idiots, if your family life is amusingly idiotic enough to be the latest freak show for mass consumption.

    1. Chris,
      Did you even read my post? I said this was a HUGE announcement! This is the biggest thing to happen since someone ordered a Big Mac from a drive-thru window. This is bigger than snow in February. This is the story that tops that story about a girl who can’t stop hiccuping. This is huge. This is as life changing as paper clips. I wish you could see that.

      1. Well, yeah… but it doesn’t have cats in it. I mean, WHERE are the cats???
        And I’m not seeing those Oh sooo clever internet memes here either. But then again, Matt Lauer is a pretty surprising guy, and he might just have one up his Today Show sleeve, shocking us all by showing us dad brandishing his laptop murdering .45 while posing with Angelina Jolie’s bare right leg flung awkwardly out to the side.
        Yeah, yeah… I know! I know! It’s really all about those life changing paper clips! I guess I’m just in a state of denial here.

    1. I’m going to have to say no. Is there a bucket you can pee into? This is really a big story and you should probably be camped out in front of your TV until 7 a.m tomorrow so you will be close to the TV remote to turn the TV on.

  2. This is another one of those brilliant media moments that carved out the careers of such inspirational figures as Joe the Plummer and the woman who spanked someone else’s kid at a Wal-Mart. I am giddy as I wait for the announcement of Time’s 2012 Person of the Year.

    1. I just can’t wait till this laptop-shooting guy is on Celebrity Apprentice. And he makes out with Donald’s hairpiece. That’s when I will know the human race has evolved.

  3. somehow i missed this news gem. crap. it sounds exclusive. i am hoping you will consider awarding rush limbaugh with a turd or possibly something bigger and better than a turd?

    1. THAT IS THE CORRECT RESPONSE TO ANYTHING THAT AIRS ON THE TODAY SHOW. LIKE TODAY, THEY HAD A SEGMENT ON MISS SEATTLE TWEETING THAT RAIN SUCKS AND SHE HATES HER CITY, AND I WAS THINKING ‘WHO GIVES A FLYING FIG NEWTON?” AND THEN I SCREAMED “I DO!! I DO!!”

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