Can we do that? Because we need to stop everything right now! Right. Now.
I have a HUGE announcement.
So stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. Stop doing that, whatever you happen to be doing. Stop breathing…no wait, you still need to do that. Okay, you can do the things that the body does unconsciously like beating the heart, eliminating waste and downloading porn on the Internet.
Are you ready????? I can barely contain my excitement. This is almost as big as that press conference when Obama announced the American Pie franchise was releasing its 4th movie American [insert title].
The Today show has an exclusive interview with that guy who shot bullets into his daughter’s laptop!?! Exclusive!!!!! Exclusive means this is the only place you will see this guy talk about stuff, and OH MY GOD!!!!! his daughter will be there too. So you can listen to this guy AND his daughter EXCLUSIVELY on the Today show tomorrow morning.
This is nearly as exciting as me nailing an exclusive interview with the guy who threw a Slim Jim wrapper in my front yard (I’m still working on it. Be patient. I will get that exclusive interview if it kills me).
I almost missed the announcement of this exclusive interview. I’ve been watching the Today show since 7 a.m., and the promo has only been shown 4,568 times in the last five minutes.
Matt Lauer is going to be sitting in a chair (!?!). And then the guy is going to be sitting in a chair (?!?), and OH MY GOD his daughter is going to be sitting in a chair for this exclusive interview. Aren’t people normally suspended over shark tanks filled with napalm-flavored Fruit Roll Ups® for interviews? No, the announcer said MATT LAUER WILL BE SITTING DOWN with that guy, and then I saw video footage of it actually happening. And it looks like they’re eating eggs? Are they? I don’t know!!!! Will someone confirm if they are exclusively eating eggs?? Could it be pancakes? It could be pancakes. Maybe it’s not even breakfast food?
Can we declare tomorrow a national holiday like Guy Who Shot Daughter’s Laptop Will Talk to Matt Lauer And His Daughter Will Be There And This Is the First Time This Has Happened In the History of Laptop-Shooting Dads Day? Then everyone could stay home and watch this exclusive interview. And then we could exchange gifts.
This is what I’m going to give my son:
This is so amazing. And did I mention exclusive? I don’t think I did. Guys–this is an exclusive interview with that guy! You know, that guy? Do you know that guy? He’s that guy. And he made a video where he shot his daughter’s laptop? She posted “Dad blows” or something on Facebook? Remember that? It’s like how people say: “Do you remember where you were the day that guy threw the Slim Jim wrapper?” And you respond: “That was the day America changed forever, and I also ate a scone.”
This is just like that!! Except way more exclusive.
Okay, that’s the end of the huge announcement. Carry on.