My Important Breakthrough

I hate being ignorant of the important issues.

But luckily TV exists, and I turn it on quite often so I can learn.

Today I learned that some women have issues with toilet paper.

We seriously need to get a handle on this before we colonize the moon. I really don’t want to pack up my stuff and then unpack all my stuff, and then watch my stuff get ruined by someone’s bathroom situation floating into my moon pod. I am unsure if using the term “bathroom situation” is an example of “cutesy stuff” that one woman in the commercial is vehement about stopping, but I really want to avoid poopy and pee-pee mingling with my little bunny foo-foo.

I must confess, I wish the commercial went into a little more detail about the cause of the problem. It mentions the toilet paper helps protect against “breakthrough,” but I’m not sure I completely understand what that means. Are these women using the toilet paper at the same time they’re relieving themselves? Because that seems counterintuitive.

Before I delve further, I would like to offer an apology to Les of Best Bathroom Books. This is really treading onto his territory. My intention was to write about Taco Bell offering breakfast. This was a serious news story featured on the Today show. But then later this afternoon, a woman said “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.” And I thought, okay?

I wonder if there is any way to connect Taco Bell breakfast food with going to the bathroom in such a manner it causes breakthrough? Hmmm…..no, I’m stumped.

I get problems for the newly potty trained, like I understand those Charmin commercials with the young bear, and how he always has a parade’s worth of toilet paper sprinkled like confetti all over his hind quarters. And then his mom looks at his rear to examine how well he wiped himself. Actually, no I don’t understand those commercials.

It is time to talk about clean, as one woman says in the commercial, and feeling clean is soooooo important, as states another. I don’t want to sound braggy, but I manage to wipe myself without spraying the walls and ceiling with fecal matter (I do sound braggy, don’t I? Darn it). I get the impression that that is not the case for the women and their families in this commercial.

I think if we can turn a Taco Supreme® into a Grande Skillet Burrito®, we can wipe our asses in a manner that will not make us sorry we just ate that Grande Skillet Burrito®.

And only then can we conquer the moon.

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22 comments

  1. Whenever I see this commercial, I wonder what TP they were using before they found the miracle of Quilted Northern. Was it that public-restroom-we-can’t-afford-to-give-out-real-TP-so-here’s-some-that’s-roughly-the-equivalent-of-not-quite-half-a-ply stuff? You know, the TP that you can see through. Cuz, yeah, if that’s your point of comparison – the TP that doesn’t actually even *get off the roll* before it’s a shredded mess of what-am-I-supposed-to-do-with-THIS? – then I bet this IS a vast improvement. An “important issue”? Hmm. I’m still not so sure.

    Oh, and I was thinking JUST YESTERDAY about how disturbing it is that in the Little Bear commercial they have this line about “you won’t pass mom’s inspection with all those little pieces left behind.” Um. What? Should someone be looking into the bathroom habits & potty training methods of the ad executives on that campaign? Because that seems… just…. WRONG.

    1. I like the line in the commercial about how it’s time to start talking about what you really want from your toilet paper. Um. Hmm.

      Toilet paper, I want you to solve the Israel/Palenstinian crisis. After you do that, help me with my breakthrough.

  2. Ohhhhhh!!! Quilted Northern keeps families clean. Clean, like off drugs!!! If your family tries to “powder up” in the bathroom and simply places a square of QN between the powder and their nostrils…No breakthrough!!! No cutesie high. Stay clean America!!

    1. I never knew it was a metaphor for staying off drugs?!? So many layers….even beyond the triple ply paper.

      You have blown my mind, like I just took some drugs.

  3. You go right ahead and sound braggy – you earned it! You’re probably already halfway to the moon by now while those poor poop-covered women are still standing on that US map.

  4. Yes, you sound braggy, but you have a right to be proud. It’s a talent to wipe oneself well. Bathroom are often narrow, and it is easy when wiping to hit the wall by accident. It’s a problem that I’m sure will be addressed in the next Republican debate.

  5. As a Quilted Northern user, I feel I should be more confident than I am. Perhaps I should just use the Taco Supreme burrito instead. I bet there’s little to no breakthrough with a tortilla.

  6. You know how, before you ever have sex, you could never imagine what an orgasm would be like? Well, before you ever reach a certain age, you couldn’t imagine what bathroom issues could be like. I could explain, but your readers would all flee and never come back.

  7. Frickin’ hilarious post! The moment Taco Bell came into the equation, I laughed so hard I wished I was sitting on a roll of Soft & Strong Quilted Northern.

    Am I the only one who saw the tiny, nearly-intended-as-subliminal words “when wet” at the bottom of the screen?

  8. I think you did a pretty good job of connecting Taco Bell to Northern Tissues. And what about the Cottonelle “Respect the Roll” ad they have with a cheesy colored can you’re supposed to put over the toilet roll?
    WTF? Seriously, why can’t we make six figures writing this sh*t? Come on, S7. We’re going to kick some soiled ass.
    Thanks for the link!

    1. Okay, so you made me google “cottonelle ‘respect the roll'” because I was unfamiliar with it. And then I clicked on Cottonelle’s website and there is a picture of people lining up to get their cans signed by the designer and it dawned on me the world is really ending.

  9. Amen, sista! I’ve been thinking of writing a blog about this very thing. The woman saying “it’s time to get real about what happens in the baaaaathroom” ranks in my Top 10 Most Hated TV Commercial Characters listing. I haven’t thought of the other 9 yet, but I know she’s in there.

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