Synergize Your Synerginistic Self

A&E’s Hoarders is a show I sometimes watch. For some reason the refrigerators filled with rancid meat and 25-year-old salsa bottles, the plastic bags of fecal matter and thousands of yowling cats and/or gnawing rats inspire me to clean my house with gusto. I view the empty can of garbanzo beans thrown on the floor by my son as one can away from a giant nest of rat kings in my living room (do not click on the link if you ever want to be able to eat food).

These sporadic cleaning frenzies are a time of purging the glorious crap advertisers force me into buying with their snazzy commercials, and a time of discovery. This week’s discovery is a children’s book titled Just the Way I Am by motivational speaker Sean Covey, who is a self-proclaimed inspirer of greatness in youth. It is the first in a series that encourages children to be proactive, think win-win and synergize all the while using the common vocabulary of your every day second grader.  I believe synergy is very important to children, and I believe I will believe it even more strongly once I find out what synergy means. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it says synergy: 1. bullshit word 2. the act of synergy. Examples of synergy in a sentence: The person who coined the word synergy should be kicked synergistically in the ass.

Synergizing right along, I quickly read the book aloud to my son, which prompted him to pick up the garbanzo bean can (proactivity!) and whip it at my head (win-win; he got out his frustrations-the can was picked up off the floor).

The story centers on Pokey Porcupine and his struggle to come to terms with how to brand his quills in a competitive free market environment where the littlest step can be a total game changer. When reading this to children, it’s very important to explain what a porcupine is because many will not be familiar with it.

Biff Beaver is throwing a curve into the strategized strategy of strategemy by facilitating a conflict resolution of epic market proportionized non synergy fruit loops. Upon viewing this picture, children may ask “What’s a spelling bee?” Explain that it is a competitive competition that does not involve synergy, but may involve the spelling of it.

This causes Pokey consternation, and he begins to pontificate about what his ideal self could possibly be. At this point, children may begin to whimper and fret. It’s important to tell children that “while motivational speakers do exist, they cannot hurt you unless you pay them hundreds of dollars to take their terrible workshops.”

But Jumper Rabbit (Wha? Why not Bouncing Bunny? This lack of alliteration makes me feel non-synergy) motivates Pokey into recognizing how to be a master of his own destiny and conductor of his own journey. Upon viewing this picture, children may say they like soccer, and that they want to play “right now.” Do not let them leave the room.

Pumped with piss and vinegar, Pokey finds the optimal solution to optimize the transformative synergy optimization of optimal synergy in a transformational solution meld. Children hearing this should also feel transformed as if they been touched by an inspirer “inspiring greatness in youth™,” and be filled with proactivity that will cause them to synergize and work toward win-win situations in their own lives. Ask them what they would like to do. Many will answer “leave this room immediately.” Job well done.

And they all lived synergistically ever after.

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21 comments

  1. I can’t believe I have never heard the phrase “Your uniqueness is not a weakness.” I am literally going to say this to every person I encounter all next week until it is out of my system. (But maybe not, I just synergized a lot of wine, so this synergistic feeling may be out of my bloodstream soon.)

  2. I do not know of this book by Tony Robbins, but it inspires me so much I cleared my calendar so I can not read it. Why a motivational speaker has to write a book for kids makes me wonder if he didn’t fail Synergy 101. I will walk over hot coals if he promises not to write ever again.
    PS I like your drawings better.

  3. You ring my chimes, humor-wise, and I’ve had ants in my pantry but not rats. This is the only comment I can manage right now because I have had the Red-Carpet-From-the-Runway-of-Labels-and-Jewelry-and-Hot-Sexy-Stars-Diet Pepsi-360 Degrees-Full-Body-Scan-Cam-Pre-Golden-Globes Show on for the last three hours and all synergy has imploded in a shower of sparkles and Neil Lane diamonds.

  4. You can’t post something that sounds as intriguing as “rat kings” and not expect me to click on the link! I wish I had listened when you told me not to :(

    What is all this synergy crap, and what happened to normal encouraging children’s books? Dr. Seuss was a phenomenal motivational writer – Oh! The Places You’ll Go, Be Who You Are, A Great Day For Up! etc. etc.

  5. Brilliant post. And I don’t throw “brilliant” around too much. I love that Bouncing Bunny, um (damnit!), I mean Jumper Rabbit, paraphrases Vanilla Ice from his breakout acting debut in Cool as Ice.

    This book reminds me of a grant request I reviewed from a nationally-known nonprofit organization that seemed quite lovely on the surface until it became apparent that the curriculum they were teaching kids was largely geared toward promoting a free market economy. I love when corporate ideology and do-gooders can unite as one giant nest of rat kings.

    1. I get most of my motivation from Vanilla Ice.

      Your last paragraph reminds me of a lovely children’s book about boys trying to open up a lemonade stand, but the liberals ruin it by making them take down their picture of Jesus, pay taxes and serve brocoli.

  6. Wow – this book sounds almost as bad as “I Love You Forever” – one of the most psychologically disturbing (and strangely popular) kids books you’ll ever read. Let me just say that it is the story of a mother who routinely breaks into her son’s bedroom and pulls him onto her lap in the middle of the night– including periods of time when he is in his teens, mid-30s and mid-60s. Yeeecccchhh! The capitalist synergy porcupine book looks like a walk on the beach after that … but I feel your pain, Little Miss Anti-Hoarder! Great post & brilliant new captions!!

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