Happy Anniversary Today Show

In 1952, a network birthed a news show that would summarize the top stories of the day in a manner that would make you feel as if no news was happening at all.

This week, we celebrate by looking back on the top stories the Today show brought into the homes of Americans over the past 60 years.

Black-and-white footage of some old-time anchor straining a donut with a sieve.

News.

It was a simpler time, Matt Lauer narrates. When men were men, children played simply in the streets, and African-Americans enjoyed the simplicity of using facilities designated just for them. Eddie Fisher played on the radio, and gays and lesbians played in the closet. Americans enjoyed their prosperity, and women enjoyed the three to four career paths open to them. And people barbecued simple, American food, and the developmentally disabled chowed down on the bowls of maggot-filled mush all the while chained to the floors in overcrowded mental hospitals.

Ah America….such sweet innocence.

And in that innocence, Today anchors interviewed the newsmakers like Howdy Doody, (today’s Newt Gingrich), and challenged society (can I strain a donut with an old workboot? Ah..a sieve. How genius).

How does one suitably recognize such an achievement? With a Dunkin Donut product placement of course! (source: Martha Stewart Living)

We changed people’s lives when we showed that first segment on how to strain a donut, a Today producer yells during a news meeting. America needs to be reminded of that. We need to be reminded of our roots. That stands as the single biggest news story we’ve ever covered. Show some respect!!

Some harried production assistant places a frantic phone call to a local Dunkin Donuts. Stan picks up the phone and realizes this is the moment he has been waiting for his entire lonely, pain-killer driven life.

This is it, Stan ol’ buddy boy, ol’ pal, don’t screw it up. Maybe I’ll get a spot on Cupcake Wars, Stan thinks as he grabs a grease-caked broom from the back storage closet and breaks off the bristles. Using an exacto knife, he cuts three big circles out of Coolatta boxes and rams the broom handle through all three. He frantically stacks two-day old donuts onto each tier and ends up with this:

A sculpture that makes an Edible Arrangments® fruit basket look like Michelangelo's David.

“We wanted to make sure we created something inspired by the Today show,” says Stan the Man to Matt, Ann, Al and some female anchorbot.

Well done, Stan. I don’t think I could have made anything better.

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10 comments

  1. I’m all for two joints in anybody’s mouth Elyse. But I will take a donut tower over a Trump Tower any day of the sixty years. They have made so much progress in accurate reporting.
    On an artistic note, I love your artwork. I know there’s a book in there, I just know it.

  2. I believe that you are such a genius that you must write these posts as quickly as Stan threw together a donut tower and yet, aside from this not being edible, your work is actually phenomenal. I’m feeling envy and self-loathing all wrapped up in one little bundle of greasy fried dough.

    In conclusion, did you ever know that you’re my hero? (Sorry, I stole that from Bette Midler.)

  3. Hey, I thought you should know that this post did not appear in the feed of blogs I follow, though I saw it come through my email inbox. I wonder if WP screwed up again?

  4. Do you think Matt Lauer runs WP? Or Dunkin Donuts? Is this a vast Today show/Dunkin Donuts conspiracy?

    I was wondering why tumbleweeds were blowing across my laptop. I thought maybe I had peaked with my posts about turds.

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