I Think ABC Hates Us

ABC premiered its new sitcom Work It last night. Work It is about two men who dress up as women and pee at urinals. I learned this from an ad in People magazine, which showed two men dressed as women peeing at urinals. Hilarity ensued…..somewhere else..very, very far away from this show.

I felt I gleaned enough from the promotional ad and my childhood watching Bosom Buddies to write a review 38 minutes before the show premiered. I added changes in red after I viewed the show, dry heaved in the carport and rubbed a cheese grater on my face to feel something other than blackness.

Opening theme song….RuPaul song, maybe Cover Girl? The two male leads gyrate on one another while struggling to pull up panty house. Hilarity ensues…..somewhere else….very, very far away from this show. Actually my opening was better. Dude 1 or Lee comes home with his pockets full of sugar, soy sauce and ketchup he stole from his latest job interview. His wife expositions how it’s been a year of unemployment, his insurance is almost out and it’s time to get a physical and “don’t compare a prostate exam to the pinball rape scene in The Accused.” I did not make up that line, someone was paid $250,000 to do so. God Bless America.

First scene – Dude 1 remarks to Dude 2 how easy women have it. “They just have to spread their legs and bingo job promotion! Even when on the rag.” The female (of course) boss overhears and fires them both on the spot. The audience saws “awwwwww!” and commits mass suicide. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they are searched for any weapons or objects that can be turned into weapons as a precaution. Spot on. Lee, his friend Pedro and “comic relief” Toad man sit at bar. Toad man says “It’s a Man-cession. Women are taking over the work force. . . They’ll keep a few of us around as sex slaves…but not the good kind of sex…the sex with kissing and cuddling.” The person who wrote that makes more money than all of us. 

Second scene – Dude 2 is sleeping on the couch, covered in want ads. He farts. Very close…Lee is at the doctor’s being raped on a pinball machine. He violates HIPAA as he listens into a dumb blonde’s conversation about how much work she has a drug rep. “In fact, we’re hiring,” she tee-hees. Oh, but not men because men are discriminated against in this society and also because “doctors like to nail them less. Tee-hee.” Lee also finds he has to pay $900 for his pinball rape. Where am I going to get that money, he thinks followed by Waw-wawhhhhh.

Third scene – Dude 1 is at a job interview. The potential employer says “Jeez, your resume is perfect, but I’ve got to fill a quota. You know how it is?” A whoa-is-me sound whistle plays. Lee rummages through his wife’s jewelry box and finds earrings. He plans to sell them until he catches sight of his head in a mirror just above the neckline of a horrible dress that is no way his wife’s because it’s size man-with-linebacker-shoulders. He places the earrings to his ears and quick cut to Lee in a different man-sized woman’s suit and wig. He is waiting for a job interview. Tampon joke. Mine comes later, darn it. Should have used it sooner.

Fourth scene – Dude 1 meets Dude 2 at Hooters. Dude 1 says “Man, I can’t find a job because, man, I’m a man, man!!” He pounds his fist on the table overturning a bowl of hot wings. Dude 2 farts loudly and asks “Are you going to eat that?” pointing at the chicken wing that landed in Dude 1′s crotch.  A lightbulb appears above Dude 1′s head: “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” I rub the cheese grater against my eyeballs and scream into a pillow. Meanwhile, Lee is being interviewed by a beautiful woman boss. He impresses her with his ability to name drugs and their side effects, e.g. [Work It]  causes anal fissures. “Wowza!” says woman boss. “Most of the girls think clinical trials are something Lindsay Lohan goes to!” And I run out into traffic thereby missing the rest, but here’s what should have happened:

Cuts to fifth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in Dude 1′s bedroom trying on bras. Dude 2 says “Sometimes I have that not-so-fresh feeling” and snaps Dude 1′s bra straps.

Sixth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in a waiting area dressed as women although they look so unlike women that they make Adam Sandler’s drag in Jack and Jill feel like The Crying Game. The employer walks by and eyes Dude 2′s chest. “She’s hired!” he yells as he does a cartwheel and mimes jacking off. “Not without my friend,” Dude 2 says breathlessly sticking his chest in employer’s face. “We’re a team.” The studio audience says “Ooohhhhhh!” and strangles one another. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they’re handcuffed.

Seventh scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are gainfully employed as stockbrokers or pharmaceutical sale reps (I was right!! I’m a genius even though I have ovaries!!) or car mechanics or pimps or congressmen or some other professions where women are 1 percent of the work force. They go to the bathroom. Dude 2 almost enters the men’s room, but Dude 1 pulls him by his bra strap into the women’s room. While in there, another woman is hemorrhaging in the stall. She begs Dude 2 to help her insert a tampon (should have been earlier). A making-whoopie whistle sounds while Dude 1 vigorously shakes Dude 2′s hand. “I am woman. Hear me roar,” Dude 1 yells, thumping his chest so vigorously that he pops out a falsie.

Eighth scene – Employer appears at Dude 2′s desk with flowers and candies. “I think you’ll find the best gift here,” the employer says gesturing to his crotch. “This will really make your hedge fund/sales/carburetor/whore/legislative bill run smoothly.” “I’m a lady,” Dude 2 says. “And I don’t stand for that kind of talk.” The studio audience members try to applaud, but their hands are still handcuffed so they pound their heads onto the back of the seats until they knock themselves unconscious. A new studio audience is brought in, handcuffed and helmets placed on their heads.

Ninth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 in dude clothes drink beer at a dive bar. “I think that went well, but next time I won’t use that entire bottle of Massengill,” Dude 2 says and farts a hole in the bar stool. “Lucky you,” says Dude 1. “But I’m in love with that woman who almost bled to death in the bathroom and I nearly gave a bj to the boss.” The studio audience tries desperately to kill its collective self, but with no luck instead enters a catatonic state, which is the exact state I entered at the conclusion of the show.

Other highlights:

  •  Lee mimes waxing his genitals
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16 comments

    1. It was the tampon joke wasn’t it. And I didn’t even tell you what the tampon joke was, but I will now and you will convulse with laughter and possibly marry your television so you can become even closer to this iconic show. So when Lee is about to head into his interview, he gives a little girly wave to the girly girl sitting next to him and says “Thanks for the tampon.”

  1. Hot Joe and I made it as far as the ketchup packets before we tuned into reruns of “Big Bang Theory.”

    Kudos to you for hanging in there. You totally deserve a prize. Like a trillion dollars.

  2. ABC lost me when they cancelled my soaps. I don’t even watch Castle anymore….and I LIKED Castle…..

    That, and my undying devotion to Peter Scolari and Tom Hanks simply would not allow it.

  3. Well now I have to watch it just to see how bad it is. I really likes Bossom Buddies as a kid. Too bad. They should bring back Charlie’s Angles. At least Bosley was hot.

    1. You will be amazed by the badness, and it’s not the so bad it’s good kind of badness. It’s the so bad you will want to stab yourself in the face with a fork kind of bad.

  4. So, so, soooo many brilliant things in this post that I don’t even know where to begin. The ‘prediction’ vs. the ‘reality’ format, the audience committing suicide, Adam Sandler in drag seeming at the level of The Crying Game, the chicken wing in his friend’s lap giving him ‘an idea’. This was just all around amazing.

    What I don’t get is what the f— these networks are thinking taking on a tired concept that was completely lame to begin with but managed to push the envelope back in its era, and recreating it now when it doesn’t even seem edgy in the slightest. Now we’ve had RuPaul, The Hot Chick, Janet Reno and enough other men in drag scenarios that no one gives a sh*t anymore. In conclusion, I second that ABC hates us. And it definitely hates women. And men too. My husband has not once snapped my bra strap.

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