Month: January 2012

My Important Breakthrough

I hate being ignorant of the important issues.

But luckily TV exists, and I turn it on quite often so I can learn.

Today I learned that some women have issues with toilet paper.

We seriously need to get a handle on this before we colonize the moon. I really don’t want to pack up my stuff and then unpack all my stuff, and then watch my stuff get ruined by someone’s bathroom situation floating into my moon pod. I am unsure if using the term “bathroom situation” is an example of “cutesy stuff” that one woman in the commercial is vehement about stopping, but I really want to avoid poopy and pee-pee mingling with my little bunny foo-foo.

I must confess, I wish the commercial went into a little more detail about the cause of the problem. It mentions the toilet paper helps protect against “breakthrough,” but I’m not sure I completely understand what that means. Are these women using the toilet paper at the same time they’re relieving themselves? Because that seems counterintuitive.

Before I delve further, I would like to offer an apology to Les of Best Bathroom Books. This is really treading onto his territory. My intention was to write about Taco Bell offering breakfast. This was a serious news story featured on the Today show. But then later this afternoon, a woman said “It’s time to get real about what happens in the bathroom.” And I thought, okay?

I wonder if there is any way to connect Taco Bell breakfast food with going to the bathroom in such a manner it causes breakthrough? Hmmm…..no, I’m stumped.

I get problems for the newly potty trained, like I understand those Charmin commercials with the young bear, and how he always has a parade’s worth of toilet paper sprinkled like confetti all over his hind quarters. And then his mom looks at his rear to examine how well he wiped himself. Actually, no I don’t understand those commercials.

It is time to talk about clean, as one woman says in the commercial, and feeling clean is soooooo important, as states another. I don’t want to sound braggy, but I manage to wipe myself without spraying the walls and ceiling with fecal matter (I do sound braggy, don’t I? Darn it). I get the impression that that is not the case for the women and their families in this commercial.

I think if we can turn a Taco Supreme® into a Grande Skillet Burrito®, we can wipe our asses in a manner that will not make us sorry we just ate that Grande Skillet Burrito®.

And only then can we conquer the moon.

History is for the Turds

Historians can be so mean, you guys. Like you’re doing your thing, you’re founding your country and setting up your laws to benefit people who look exactly like you, and then some dork loser historian keeps writing about how you owned like 300 or something slaves during that time period, and you’re like, “Hey, that’s mean!! Take that back.” And the dork loser historian is like “Make me, dick.” And you’re like “Well, I can’t jerk because I’m dead.” And the dork loser historian is like “You snooze you lose.” And you’re all like “What does that even mean!?! God, I HATE you!!” And then you cry into your pillow until your ivory teeth fall out and you eventually pass out.

I imagine that is what the ghost of George Washington does every day knowing that some dork loser historian wrote in some even dorkier, loser history book about his slave-owning ways.

Isn’t there something we can do to stop George Washington’s pain, you guys? I mean, it like sucks, right?

I know! Let’s, like, take all references to slaves and slavery out of the history books! Slavery was so blech, you guys. It’s like such a downer. Do you think anyone would even miss it? No way.

Oh wow! I wasn’t the first to broach this kickass idea. The Tennessee Tea Party presented a list of five legislative priorities to the state government, and one demands the removal of any reference to any slave-owning done by any Founding Father including Thomas Jefferson, who was a real founding father, if you know what I mean. You don’t? I mean this.

Tennessee Tea Party Leader Hal Rounds thinks any mention of this is “race-baiting.” Exposing the Founding Fathers’ love of owning people disparages them in ways that hurts their feelings, you guys, and it totally needs to stop.  As Hal says:

“(The kids) are being taught (the Founding Fathers) were hypocrites and slave owners and part of the teachings about slavery was that it was inherently cruel.”

I know, like, I’m sure there were times when slavery was inherently fun! Like, maybe one day the slaves were given some extra bread at dinner. I don’t think every day was filled with terror and degradation, right?  Why do we always focus on the negative? And by the way, “White people were whipped too,” Hal says.

Well said.

Or what I mean to say is, well turded, Hal. Your actions have earned you the coveted Turd of the Week™.

And nice shirt.

Road Trip

Dear Gentle Readers,

I have taken a break from Matt Lauer, the Today show and turds to take a trip down memory lane. Angie Z of the always sensational Childhood Relived, invited me to her blog for some needed respite from the stresses of the present such as watching Newt Gingrich pretend indignation. If you have not guessed from the title of her blog, Angie writes about her childhood so I thought it appropriate to share a tale from my own–and as to be suspected, it involves turds or more specifically a giant turd named “Brenda” who made my life miserable at day camp. Read more here. And then check out some of Angie’s posts. You will not be disappointed.

I shall be back in a few days refreshed and revived, and ready to write about reality television, celebrity divorces or whatever other turdish items get passed off as “news” on Today.

Wish you were here,

Speaker7

Turd of the Week™

We are unveiling a new weekly segment here at speaker7.wordpress.com. I say “we” so if it fails miserably, I can blame it on one of my many interns and underlings who work for me–mainly my nearly 2-year-old son.

But how can it fail? It’s about everyone’s favorite topic–turds. Turds are essential for a living organism to function and for blog writing. When I wrote my first turd-related post about the turdish nature of Dr. Phil, my number of subscribers shot through the roof (source: Speaker7′s imagination). Little known fact: Sculptor Gutson Borglum used Dr. Phil’s head as a model when carving the faces of the United States’ presidents into Mount Rushmore because Dr. Phil’s head is close to the actual size of the sculpture give or take a few yards.

I will now take a few questions.

Speaker7, how can you possibly settle on only one turd a week when there are an abundance of turds featured daily on the Today show?

That’s a great question.

What do you mean by the word “turd”?

When someone is labeled a turd, it means he or she represents a piece of fecal matter.

Couldn’t that be construed as positive considering we need to evacuate our bowels to survive?

No.

When will this segment begin?

Right now. In fact I even have a logo:

I can’t say this was easy. There was a lot of turdish behavior committed by complete turds this week.  Marky Mark said that turdish thing about how he would have stopped the 9/11 terrorists if he had been on the plane. Newt Gingrich likely said something horrible about poor people or will during the presidential debate tonight in South Carolina. But the turd who stuck out the most, in my opinion, is U.S. Rep. Peter King.

The reason he stuck out the most is that I watched Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show today, and I remembered how much I cannot stand him. He has requested the Defense Department investigate whether the Obama administration leaked classified information about the raid on Osama bin Laden to two producers making a film because nothing else of import is occurring at the moment. He has no proof of this, which is why he asked for an investigation. I have no proof that Peter King eats live babies for breakfast, which is why I’m asking for an investigation.

But what I really enjoy most about King is his spot-on impression of Sen. Joseph McCarthy although Pete isn’t ferreting out communists, just Americans who happen to be Muslim. He plans to hold some more (!) investigations into American Muslims next month. Why? “It’s there and that’s where the threat is coming from at this time.”

Well turded, Pete, well turded.

Politicians Say the Darndest Things.

Occasionally a kernel of truth rises above all the noise and overload in our media-saturated society, and it makes you tear out your ear buds, log out of Facebook, turn off your TV, pause your Xbox, switch your ringer to vibrate and deflate your blow-up doll so you can let that truth wash over you as if you were in a truth carwash.

Bob Marshall, an actual elected representative in Virginia, called for an end to state funding of Planned Parenthood because nature takes its vengeance on women who abort fetuses by giving them defective babies.

Now some are in a tizzy over this remark claiming it’s batshit crazy (I’m paraphrasing), but I applaud Bob Marshall for being so upfront about the numerous abortions his mother clearly had that left him with the traumatic brain damage he suffers from today.

Mothers should breathe easy that while nature may be throwing tsunamis into their damaged-by-abortion birth canals, their handicapped children could someday be elected to public office and say the most abhorrent statements imaginable.

Now Bob is a little upset that his remarks were being posted on social networking sites leading to online petitions calling for his resignation when usually he could say this crazy shit without anyone batting an eye misconstrued by journalists whose moms clearly had abortions causing them to have the taking-out-of-context handicap and write that a elected representative actually felt it appropriate to say God punished women for abortions. He never said God was punishing women for their sinful ways. He said nature. And really, it’s punishing the kids.

Whew! Thank Nature that was cleared up. I’m sure the millions of children with disabilities feel better too.

Synergize Your Synerginistic Self

A&E’s Hoarders is a show I sometimes watch. For some reason the refrigerators filled with rancid meat and 25-year-old salsa bottles, the plastic bags of fecal matter and thousands of yowling cats and/or gnawing rats inspire me to clean my house with gusto. I view the empty can of garbanzo beans thrown on the floor by my son as one can away from a giant nest of rat kings in my living room (do not click on the link if you ever want to be able to eat food).

These sporadic cleaning frenzies are a time of purging the glorious crap advertisers force me into buying with their snazzy commercials, and a time of discovery. This week’s discovery is a children’s book titled Just the Way I Am by motivational speaker Sean Covey, who is a self-proclaimed inspirer of greatness in youth. It is the first in a series that encourages children to be proactive, think win-win and synergize all the while using the common vocabulary of your every day second grader.  I believe synergy is very important to children, and I believe I will believe it even more strongly once I find out what synergy means. I just looked it up in the dictionary and it says synergy: 1. bullshit word 2. the act of synergy. Examples of synergy in a sentence: The person who coined the word synergy should be kicked synergistically in the ass.

Synergizing right along, I quickly read the book aloud to my son, which prompted him to pick up the garbanzo bean can (proactivity!) and whip it at my head (win-win; he got out his frustrations-the can was picked up off the floor).

The story centers on Pokey Porcupine and his struggle to come to terms with how to brand his quills in a competitive free market environment where the littlest step can be a total game changer. When reading this to children, it’s very important to explain what a porcupine is because many will not be familiar with it.

Biff Beaver is throwing a curve into the strategized strategy of strategemy by facilitating a conflict resolution of epic market proportionized non synergy fruit loops. Upon viewing this picture, children may ask “What’s a spelling bee?” Explain that it is a competitive competition that does not involve synergy, but may involve the spelling of it.

This causes Pokey consternation, and he begins to pontificate about what his ideal self could possibly be. At this point, children may begin to whimper and fret. It’s important to tell children that “while motivational speakers do exist, they cannot hurt you unless you pay them hundreds of dollars to take their terrible workshops.”

But Jumper Rabbit (Wha? Why not Bouncing Bunny? This lack of alliteration makes me feel non-synergy) motivates Pokey into recognizing how to be a master of his own destiny and conductor of his own journey. Upon viewing this picture, children may say they like soccer, and that they want to play “right now.” Do not let them leave the room.

Pumped with piss and vinegar, Pokey finds the optimal solution to optimize the transformative synergy optimization of optimal synergy in a transformational solution meld. Children hearing this should also feel transformed as if they been touched by an inspirer “inspiring greatness in youth™,” and be filled with proactivity that will cause them to synergize and work toward win-win situations in their own lives. Ask them what they would like to do. Many will answer “leave this room immediately.” Job well done.

And they all lived synergistically ever after.

Nothing to See Here

Sometimes one just has to write even when one has nothing to write about and no inspiration.

This is what this is.

It has even affected my art.

Proof:

This post will have the feel of a random letter you read in the local newspaper where the writer has clearly lost his mind, but must commit his madness to paper if only to be able to continue on. Kind of like this:

So I thought I should do the same thing. Clear out the clutter and cobwebs, stop being like Gollum and thinking of my blog as precious, and just write a list of pure dreck and end it with an exclamation of well wishes.

So here goes a list of worthless gibberish for your non-reading non pleasure to unblock my writer’s block:

  • The Today show had its penultimate 60th anniversary celebration today, featuring the highlights of the last 60 years. It showed some old footage of a chimpanzee pushing an anchor desk. Former anchors told tales that mainly involved interview subjects using bathrooms. Ann Curry reminisced how she interviewed Vice-President Joe Biden and a dog howling “Wooovveee woooo” in a manner that sounds like “looovveee youuuu” on the same day, and neither had an answer to why Work It‘s pilot was picked up by ABC. And Al Roker made out with Willard Scott. At the bitter end, the Today show played highlights from the 60th anniversary celebration it just aired, and I felt as if I had become trapped in some space-time continuum where I would never move on from today.
  • I missed the second episode of Work It. If you are unfamiliar with the sitcom, stop reading and live your life in the peace and happiness one can only possess from being ignorant of this show. Although I did not watch it, this is what I believed happened: All the women in the office realize they are experiencing menstrual synchrony.  Lee plays along to fit in. When a colleague can’t find ketchup for the hotdog she ordered at lunch, Lee pulls a tampon out from under his dress covered in ketchup. “Will this do?” he quips. The other girls titter. “Oh my god, I was soooo going to do that too,” squeals Monique. They laugh and launch into a pillow fight.
  • The Golden Globes are Sunday. The opening number is the cast of The Jersey Shore reenacting scenes from The Human Centipede 2. Do not click on the link and read about this movie if you want to continue a life of peace and happiness
  • Twinkies are dead. Long live Twinkies.
  • Sarah Palin Explains Why Santorum Rises to the Top” is a most excellent headline if you use the most current definition of Santorum.
  • Christian Mingle.com is a site designed to find God’s match for you™. It seems a tad suspect though since “red” is an option to choose for eye color and we all know who has red eyes… Ben Stein.
  • Today is Blame Someone Else Day, Happy International Skeptics Day and Make Your Dreams Come True Today.
  • Writing random lists of gibberish does nothing to alleviate writer’s block and leads to reader’s block.

Happy International Skeptics Day!!

Happy Anniversary Today Show

In 1952, a network birthed a news show that would summarize the top stories of the day in a manner that would make you feel as if no news was happening at all.

This week, we celebrate by looking back on the top stories the Today show brought into the homes of Americans over the past 60 years.

Black-and-white footage of some old-time anchor straining a donut with a sieve.

News.

It was a simpler time, Matt Lauer narrates. When men were men, children played simply in the streets, and African-Americans enjoyed the simplicity of using facilities designated just for them. Eddie Fisher played on the radio, and gays and lesbians played in the closet. Americans enjoyed their prosperity, and women enjoyed the three to four career paths open to them. And people barbecued simple, American food, and the developmentally disabled chowed down on the bowls of maggot-filled mush all the while chained to the floors in overcrowded mental hospitals.

Ah America….such sweet innocence.

And in that innocence, Today anchors interviewed the newsmakers like Howdy Doody, (today’s Newt Gingrich), and challenged society (can I strain a donut with an old workboot? Ah..a sieve. How genius).

How does one suitably recognize such an achievement? With a Dunkin Donut product placement of course! (source: Martha Stewart Living)

We changed people’s lives when we showed that first segment on how to strain a donut, a Today producer yells during a news meeting. America needs to be reminded of that. We need to be reminded of our roots. That stands as the single biggest news story we’ve ever covered. Show some respect!!

Some harried production assistant places a frantic phone call to a local Dunkin Donuts. Stan picks up the phone and realizes this is the moment he has been waiting for his entire lonely, pain-killer driven life.

This is it, Stan ol’ buddy boy, ol’ pal, don’t screw it up. Maybe I’ll get a spot on Cupcake Wars, Stan thinks as he grabs a grease-caked broom from the back storage closet and breaks off the bristles. Using an exacto knife, he cuts three big circles out of Coolatta boxes and rams the broom handle through all three. He frantically stacks two-day old donuts onto each tier and ends up with this:

A sculpture that makes an Edible Arrangments® fruit basket look like Michelangelo's David.

“We wanted to make sure we created something inspired by the Today show,” says Stan the Man to Matt, Ann, Al and some female anchorbot.

Well done, Stan. I don’t think I could have made anything better.

I Think ABC Hates Us

ABC premiered its new sitcom Work It last night. Work It is about two men who dress up as women and pee at urinals. I learned this from an ad in People magazine, which showed two men dressed as women peeing at urinals. Hilarity ensued…..somewhere else..very, very far away from this show.

I felt I gleaned enough from the promotional ad and my childhood watching Bosom Buddies to write a review 38 minutes before the show premiered. I added changes in red after I viewed the show, dry heaved in the carport and rubbed a cheese grater on my face to feel something other than blackness.

Opening theme song….RuPaul song, maybe Cover Girl? The two male leads gyrate on one another while struggling to pull up panty house. Hilarity ensues…..somewhere else….very, very far away from this show. Actually my opening was better. Dude 1 or Lee comes home with his pockets full of sugar, soy sauce and ketchup he stole from his latest job interview. His wife expositions how it’s been a year of unemployment, his insurance is almost out and it’s time to get a physical and “don’t compare a prostate exam to the pinball rape scene in The Accused.” I did not make up that line, someone was paid $250,000 to do so. God Bless America.

First scene – Dude 1 remarks to Dude 2 how easy women have it. “They just have to spread their legs and bingo job promotion! Even when on the rag.” The female (of course) boss overhears and fires them both on the spot. The audience saws “awwwwww!” and commits mass suicide. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they are searched for any weapons or objects that can be turned into weapons as a precaution. Spot on. Lee, his friend Pedro and “comic relief” Toad man sit at bar. Toad man says “It’s a Man-cession. Women are taking over the work force. . . They’ll keep a few of us around as sex slaves…but not the good kind of sex…the sex with kissing and cuddling.” The person who wrote that makes more money than all of us. 

Second scene – Dude 2 is sleeping on the couch, covered in want ads. He farts. Very close…Lee is at the doctor’s being raped on a pinball machine. He violates HIPAA as he listens into a dumb blonde’s conversation about how much work she has a drug rep. “In fact, we’re hiring,” she tee-hees. Oh, but not men because men are discriminated against in this society and also because “doctors like to nail them less. Tee-hee.” Lee also finds he has to pay $900 for his pinball rape. Where am I going to get that money, he thinks followed by Waw-wawhhhhh.

Third scene – Dude 1 is at a job interview. The potential employer says “Jeez, your resume is perfect, but I’ve got to fill a quota. You know how it is?” A whoa-is-me sound whistle plays. Lee rummages through his wife’s jewelry box and finds earrings. He plans to sell them until he catches sight of his head in a mirror just above the neckline of a horrible dress that is no way his wife’s because it’s size man-with-linebacker-shoulders. He places the earrings to his ears and quick cut to Lee in a different man-sized woman’s suit and wig. He is waiting for a job interview. Tampon joke. Mine comes later, darn it. Should have used it sooner.

Fourth scene – Dude 1 meets Dude 2 at Hooters. Dude 1 says “Man, I can’t find a job because, man, I’m a man, man!!” He pounds his fist on the table overturning a bowl of hot wings. Dude 2 farts loudly and asks “Are you going to eat that?” pointing at the chicken wing that landed in Dude 1′s crotch.  A lightbulb appears above Dude 1′s head: “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” I rub the cheese grater against my eyeballs and scream into a pillow. Meanwhile, Lee is being interviewed by a beautiful woman boss. He impresses her with his ability to name drugs and their side effects, e.g. [Work It]  causes anal fissures. “Wowza!” says woman boss. “Most of the girls think clinical trials are something Lindsay Lohan goes to!” And I run out into traffic thereby missing the rest, but here’s what should have happened:

Cuts to fifth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in Dude 1′s bedroom trying on bras. Dude 2 says “Sometimes I have that not-so-fresh feeling” and snaps Dude 1′s bra straps.

Sixth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are in a waiting area dressed as women although they look so unlike women that they make Adam Sandler’s drag in Jack and Jill feel like The Crying Game. The employer walks by and eyes Dude 2′s chest. “She’s hired!” he yells as he does a cartwheel and mimes jacking off. “Not without my friend,” Dude 2 says breathlessly sticking his chest in employer’s face. “We’re a team.” The studio audience says “Ooohhhhhh!” and strangles one another. Another studio audience is brought in. This time, they’re handcuffed.

Seventh scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 are gainfully employed as stockbrokers or pharmaceutical sale reps (I was right!! I’m a genius even though I have ovaries!!) or car mechanics or pimps or congressmen or some other professions where women are 1 percent of the work force. They go to the bathroom. Dude 2 almost enters the men’s room, but Dude 1 pulls him by his bra strap into the women’s room. While in there, another woman is hemorrhaging in the stall. She begs Dude 2 to help her insert a tampon (should have been earlier). A making-whoopie whistle sounds while Dude 1 vigorously shakes Dude 2′s hand. “I am woman. Hear me roar,” Dude 1 yells, thumping his chest so vigorously that he pops out a falsie.

Eighth scene – Employer appears at Dude 2′s desk with flowers and candies. “I think you’ll find the best gift here,” the employer says gesturing to his crotch. “This will really make your hedge fund/sales/carburetor/whore/legislative bill run smoothly.” “I’m a lady,” Dude 2 says. “And I don’t stand for that kind of talk.” The studio audience members try to applaud, but their hands are still handcuffed so they pound their heads onto the back of the seats until they knock themselves unconscious. A new studio audience is brought in, handcuffed and helmets placed on their heads.

Ninth scene – Dude 1 and Dude 2 in dude clothes drink beer at a dive bar. “I think that went well, but next time I won’t use that entire bottle of Massengill,” Dude 2 says and farts a hole in the bar stool. “Lucky you,” says Dude 1. “But I’m in love with that woman who almost bled to death in the bathroom and I nearly gave a bj to the boss.” The studio audience tries desperately to kill its collective self, but with no luck instead enters a catatonic state, which is the exact state I entered at the conclusion of the show.

Other highlights:

  •  Lee mimes waxing his genitals

What’s Ur Look?

I bet you did not know this about me, but I am a girly girl thru & thru whether I’m heading 2 school or a party, I’m always sure 2 be perfectly turned out. I learned this from taking the geoGIRL Look Finder quiz.

Apparently what U choose to be in the future has a direct bearing on the type of feather mascara U should glob onto Ur eyelashes. These are the professions currently open to women: marine biologist; artist, or maybe fashion designer, or maybe rock star; president of the Younited States; and an elementary school teacher. I, of course, picked middle-aged marketer attempting desperately to sound like a tween girl by never using the word “you” and zombifying the nation’s youth.

What’s Ur look?

geoGIRL is a make-up line designed for girls ages 8 to 12, and contains anti-aging elements because let’s face it, by 8 a girl begins to look a little haggard :(. But it’s more than that–it’s also about joining 2-gether to save the planet one bronzer at a time. See the packaging is recyclable so it’s almost as good as the time when young girls did not purchase make up created exclusively for them ;).

Rather than wasting time reading, playing a sport or waiting for puberty, a third-grader can spend her time learning how to blend flavors of lip gloss together to create a taste sensation almost like a fruit parfait ¦0?!! It even has 2NTE lip treatment, a goodnight kiss for lips, so U don’t wake up the next morning with dried lips and scare the guy next to U….er….teddy bear next to U.

I think my favorite part might be the exclusive geoGIRL music video, showing young children with globs of blue eyeshadow.

For your enjoyment: