I Resolve to Read this Post

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress my jingoism.

USA! USA! USA! Sorry just had to get one last chant out before the close.

I also resolve to return to my art that once was a main staple of this blog.

Price: $5,321,245,999.99

I am not the only one with grand ambitions this year. Many people and entities (since corporations are technically people in the sense they can spend as much as the cost of my artwork on political campaigns and crush the soul of the world) are starting the new year off right with some brand-spanking new resolutions. Let’s resolve to slog through them for auld lang syne’s sake.

Charlie Sheen

“I resolve to refrain from speaking unless I have something of value to say. Regretfully, I will now not say anything for the rest of the year.”

Dr. Phil McGraw

“I resolve to donate my gigantic head to science immediately. This will be a win-win for those with elephantitis of the head and those who have accidentally caught my television show and heard the absolutely appalling turidsh advice I give to my guests.”

Presidential contender and professional crier Newt Gingrich

“Ditto what the big-headed turd just said.”

NBC’s new sitcom Are You There, Chelsea?

“We resolve to make Whitney look good by being the worst sitcom on NBC.”

ABC’s new sitcom Work It:

“We resolve to make Are You There, Chelsea look good by being the worst sitcom of the millennium.”

Formerly employed 50-something actor Doug Hutchinson and his child bride Courtney Stodden

“We resolve immediately to star in our own reality television show, and continue to live our lives with dignity, taste and decorum.”

Keeping Kup Kwith Kthe Kardashians

“We resolve to focus this upcoming season on restoring Bruce Jenner’s original face, and to staying irrelevant.”

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25 comments

  1. As usual, you are right on. I really hope Charlie Sheen keeps his resolution. I don’t want to hear the word winning ever again. I also hope there comes a day when people (or really, the people with power in Hollywood) realize that Chelsea Handler is not actually funny. Sarcastic and mean are actually two different words.

  2. You are so poignantly funny. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! Dr. Phil is a giant turd and I’m happy you’re pointing out his turdishness. It makes me feel better about everything that sucks in the world. So does seeing that tiny (I mean, normally-sized) New Year’s Eve hat on his freakishly giantic head. Thanks, Speaker7. And Happy New Year! Hopefully the Kardashian’s are the first to go in the apocalypse…

  3. Love the hats. Can we get the elastics to strangle some of them? Please? Of course, they will simply be replaced — there seems to be a never ending supply of vapid folks who will stand in front of the camera and spout shit. Or, in your photo, pee.

    Happy New Year!

  4. Great year of blogs Speaker7. Quality, consistency, funny shit, all the things I like while sitting in the bathroom taking a poop. (Wait, I don’t have my laptop)
    Looking forward to more mininalist art and maximalist wit in 2012.
    Les

    1. I made it a day and a half. Now I chant it more than ever especially after catching the Rose Bowl Parade. Did you see it? They had a float with Jesus’ face. It was remarkable. USA!

  5. Speaker 7, not only are you amazingly gifted artistically, you have your finger on the throbbing pulse of American pop culture, or what’s left of it. Bravo (and I’m not talking about the crap television station) & Happy New Year!

  6. I hope you add to your resolutions that you’ll use the word “turd” more. I’ve really missed its presence in your posts lately. The revival of turd and douche in my own vocabulary is one of many ways your blog has changed me, and I look forward to many more turds and douches on here in 2012. Happy New Year!

      1. Sorry no. But I do know the requirements just entail signing over every last shred of dignity and jumping in a hot tub teeming with crabs. No biggie.

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