The Year in Review of the Century

Fantastic news, everybody!

People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that checked out. But there’s no time!! 2011 is rapidly coming to a close and I must know what I was suppose to care about over the last year.

What could the top stories be??????????????????????????? Let’s think…what happened this year that was important? I know braids were big, I learned that from the Today show. Also sharks and Matt Lauer’s whereabouts. Were they bigger than the tsunami in Japan? (yes)

Who’s to say? (Answer: People magazine)

I became intrigued about People magazine’s Year in Review when one of the Today show female anchors who looks like all of the other female anchors interviewed People Managing Editor Kate Coin.

“Charlie Sheen has to top any list,” the anchor says as I grind a Fisher Price toy into my temple.

“Charlie Sheen was, to use a word I think he would approve of, epic,” Kate says.

Who won the Noble Peace Prize this year?

No one knows. Winning.

People split up, got married, split up, dated, participated in competing trials of the century, played with magnetic balls, and cemented my desire to find some way to live on that new planet that’s like Earth, but hopefully has a better Year in Review wrap up.

1. Top story, obvs., was the utter destruction of civilization. Wait, I misread that. It was the royal wedding. This was the wedding of the century. Anyone out there planning a wedding between now and 2099, get ready for some major disappointment because it will not be the wedding of the century. It’s going to be a long, cruel winter of a century. But buck up, I bought you this:

Ideal for any teabagging event.

Now people are speculating when the royal shaft will penetrate the royal flower to create a royal baby, and these are people I never want to meet.  All I know is that baby will be the baby of the century. Anyone planning on having kids between now and 2099, get ready for some disappointment because your future kid will just be pure crap.

2. Royal sister with completely non canine-like name of Pippa. She was the hottest bridesmaid ever and is currently the world’s most eligible bachelorette, according to People. She is also the greatest person alive or dead, and farts diamonds.

3. 2011 most intriguing non-royal couple actress Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux. They are most intriguing because they intriguingly have sex on each other.  A pal is quoted as saying: “I am a figment of the writer’s imagination to add some credibility to this non article. Oh, and Justin and Jen are very much on the same page.”

4. Anderson Cooper’s toddler palate. The news anchor revealed to the huddled masses yearning to breathe free that he never tasted coffee or spinach. I am more intrigued by the Pristiq® ad on the following page:

Here are my questions: Why is she the only Pristiq® doll with a wind-up key in her back? Who teachers a yoga class for Pristiq® dolls? And why the fuck would anyone give a flying fig newton about Anderson Cooper’s dietary nonadventures?

5 – 262. Loudmouths; meatsuits; sham weddings; pharmaceutical ads; child molestors; hysteria; warlocks; iPhone ads passed off as “funny” celebrity articles; Oppprrraaahhhhh; pepper spray; the scourge; cupcakes on a stick; new words like “Tiger Mom” that make me hate words; loser feuds; dead people; pictures of actual news stories using less words than the story about Anderson Cooper’s pooh-pooh of spinach; pooh-pooh; Katy Perry’s peppermint tattoo; and the end of civilization.

Quite a year, my friends! I’m glad I remember none of it.

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22 comments

    1. That’s true about the rectal bleeding, but it is the rectal bleeding of the century. Anyone planning on having their rectum bleed between now and 2099 will be in for a world of disappointment.

  1. When will they put People Magazine into the National Archives? This is ridiculous. All the articles are perfectly written to provide complimentary inducement to America’s bowel evacuation. How sorry the world would be if we couldn’t take a shit while using people to help us empty ourselves. You should be ashamed of yourself, but you’re intriguing, fascinatingl and the sexiest woman alive so I’m going to let you slide this once.
    Les

    1. Your post reminds me of Jeff Goldblum’s character in The Big Chill when he says he doesn’t write anything longer than it takes the average person to crap. His character writes for People.

      I was hoping I would make the most intriguing of the century, but I guess that distinction belongs to Anderson Cooper’s spinach-flavored coffee.

  2. Wow, apparently I’m really out of touch with what’s important in the world. Thanks for bringing me up to speed. I don’t know much about Anderson Cooper or the royal family, but farting diamonds seems like a great skill to have. Too bad I only fart rose scented perfume clouds.

  3. other possible items in 5-262 – the discovery of mary lou retton inside of bruce jenner once he peeled off his body mask, KK’s engagement, wedding, and divorce, and “cougar” (right after “tiger mom”).

  4. Awesome post. I’m on the verge of hating words, too. If I hear one more celebrity nickname like “the biebs” I might lose it. Or throw out my TV. Ok I’m kidding, that would never happen.

  5. I just actually re-read this post and am commenting again. I have never done this before with any blog post. I hope I never do it again. It makes me a pitiful, tragic figure with nothing better to do. But I digress. All you have to do is look at what people respond to on Facebook to see that most people have cultivated a great capacity to avoid any issue that is disturbing, though-provoking, frightening. History has shown that over and over. We live in perilous times. We make fun of the Kardashians, but seriously, they represent a much wealthier, glitzier version of the Tea Party, the religious right, the people who no longer vote or know what Europe is or that we have a Vice President or that the Poles are melting beyond all reason: people who have no awareness of anything beyond the tiny world of their own creation. So it’s easier to read Us Magazine and then go to the mall. You have such a gift of using your own wacky, demented humor to highlight the truth of our off-kilter world. Everyone should read your blog. I’m finished now.

  6. This post is so good I want to jump off a building now.

    I consider your blog one of my top news sources — far behind Today Show, though just behind John Tesh. So I was suprised not to see the coming out party of Richard Simmons’ pom-pom tank top on People’s list (by the way, credit to you for breaking that story here). Although, I guess I’ll let history prove that to be a bigger event than we can fully gauge at this time.

    1. The lack of mention of the tank top is a travesty. The magazine did let me know that Jennifer Aniston hated her “Rachel” haircut so that is a bit of knowledge I can curl up with as I silent weep into a pom-pom tank top.

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