We Had a Good Run, America

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends.

I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, a story I’m not willing to share so close to Christmas (only 364 shopping days left!).

What is certain, is that America is done. Over. Kaput. Pfffttttttttt……..

Scientific proof:

Even looking at it hurts my ear drums (credit: saddest photographer in the world).

Roads and bridges are falling apart. Our food and products are filled with high fructose corn syrup and plasticized high fructose corn syrup-flavored corn syrup. Our schools are failing, and our children are so morbidly obese, their fingers get mistaken for hot dogs by the pack of wild dogs roaming our foreclosed suburbs. Even truck nutz look more shriveled than ever.

photo credit: world's saddest nutz sackz photographed by the world's second saddest photographer.

We had a good run…..well, except for slavery, Jim Crow, the extermination of the native people, the subjugation of women, stirrup pants, American Idol and celebrities who are famous for sex videos.

That’s it? We’re over just like that? I can change.

I don’t know….I feel like I’ve heard this from you before, America, and then you made me watch Bristol Palin on Dancing with the Stars, Season XXVIICCXXMM.

Give me a second chance.

This is more like your 477th. I’m still pissed about this:

Okay, here are a few things you can do to clean up your act. Consider them your New Year’s resolutions:

1. Fix shit. Remember how Wall Street f***** you over and made billions while everything crumbled? Still happening. Unlike you, they don’t want to change….ever.

2. Refuse to let John Boehner be a congressman until he does something about the orange hue of his skin and his incessant crying. Oh, and his horrible awful vomit-inducing grand-standing and scorched-earth policies. . . I’m amending this to refuse to let nearly every politician be an elected representative, and advocate for the election of Sesame Street muppets in their place.

3. Immediate deportation of anyone who uses the expression “Just sayin'” after they just f****** said something. “I think 9/11 was pretty bad, but tacos are yummy. Just sayin.'”

We’ll start here, and see how the year goes.

Of course this could still happen:

 

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22 comments

  1. If anybody is around after we succeed in completely poisoning the planet with toxic chemicals and even more toxic celebs, it will be amusing to see how they view us. I absolutely know that back in 476, there were people walking around in what is now Italy, saying things like, “Oy, I have a really bad feeling about all this.”

  2. I think you’re right. America has been on a downward spiral for awhile. It’s not the end of the world just the end of the US being on top. I saw the signs two years ago when people started fleeing to Mexico.

  3. I love to hate that scary-lashed freak who is famous for her big ass and having sex. I can’t help myself. I want the world to continue just so I can watch her and her family do stupid stuff and wake up in the morning with foundation on.

  4. The explanation for the small nutz is that it was cold out there. Other than shrinkage, I think the world’s on the right track. And like it or not, a certain huge ass is going to soften the blow of a certain asteroid.
    Just sayin’
    Les

  5. I’m with you on Boehner, and the Sesame Street gang going to Congress. My favorite loveable grump, Barney Frank, is retiring. Oscar the Grouch should take his place. I love BOTH those guys.

    Funny post — I am counting on you, at least, still being around for 2013!

    1. I just don’t understand it. “Oh thank you for saying just sayin’ after you just said something. I was unaware of what was happening when your mouth was moving and words were coming out.”

  6. One of my favorite posts ever. I couldn’t agree more. I really thought we dodged an apocalyptic bullet when America jumped on the Macarena funtime cruise back in the ’90s. The End can’t be too far away now and the second coming of stirrup pants is a sure sign this time.

    When I hear “just sayin'” I just want to jam BBQ skewers in my eardrums and then douse them in turpentine. Just masochistin’.

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