Miraculously Miraculous

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness.

The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.”

A hefty bag gave birth to many tiny hefty bags that were assembled together into a life size replica of Bo, the White House First Dog.

credit: Washington Post

And the Today show had a feature on how retailers are thrilled by the joy people spread through the firing of bullets, the stabbing of knives and the trampling of feet to obtain products that people can wear on their feet while they fire guns, stab and trample on others.

I guess some new sneakers came out, and they supposedly turn you into Michael Jordan when you wear them or maybe Lil Bow Wow, who starred in the movie Like Mike about a boy who finds a pair of old sneakers that make him play basketball like Michael Jordan. That–or they look cool so that’s why someone stabbed that guy seven times to get ahead of him in the line outside the mall.

Nike was none too happy (but kind of secretly happy) that people were literally trampling over toddlers to jam their feet into $180 shoes. They released this statement:

But there is a silver lining in all the attempted murdering–consumer confidence is up, people are spending and they are buying smart, says some smiling Today show guy in Florida. He smiles through his spiel about the tension people can feel when a gun suddenly goes off in a crowded sporting goods store before segueing into how people are using their trigger fingers to diddle their smart phones looking for the best deals and best ways to murder.

Christmas.

Around 25 percent of the population started buying their tangible displays of love this week, the Today show guy statisticizes, and 54 percent surveyed said that 80 percent of news stories that contain 63 percent of statistics make them sound 103 percent more scientific than stories that use less than 12 percent of surveys and 3 percent of reporting.

Shopping so close to the climax of the consumerism orgy fills Sheila Lopez with the Christmas spirit.

“I have to buy clothes,” she says in a spirited monotone befitting of one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead.

Sheila then goes and bites the face of the nearest person carrying a Nike bag containing Air Jordans.

Miraculous.

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9 comments

  1. Fantastic post! Things I’ve learned from reading it: 1.) people suck, 2.) people suck and today’s civilization is probably close to a women-having-sex-with-donkeys type of End of Days thing, a la Rome, 3.) Air Jordans are baaaaaack, and 4.) when I wrote “schpeel” in the past, I actually meant “spiel”.

    Thank you for all of this and more. Merry Yuletide Holidays Solstice Birthday to Jesus — and to you as well!

    1. I’m going to use schpeel from now on because I like the look of it.

      And yes we’re done as a society, but at least we will be wearing Air Jordans to run as fast as we can from the zombies.

  2. Nike was none too happy–but secretly happy. Dead on, Dead On One. Make me think about capitalism and how cherished it is as foundation for our Great Country. Come on, buying plastic crap is what makes us great?
    But I’d kill for a pair of those Jordans.

    1. I was even more pleased to see the throngs shopping the day after Christmas where they return the plastic crap they were given for the plastic crap they actually wanted. Progress.

  3. You must be very excited for Black Friday. Ironically, not called Black because it’s a day of mourning for both the victims of trampling, and the complete destruction of the last vestiges of our collective humanity.
    Huh? What soap box?

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