I Just Bought Breast Enlargement Drops

I wish people could know more about me.

I wish there was some way, I could show everyone my very essence. I know I can status update and tell people I used a fork correctly for once on Facebook. I know I can tweet and tell people I blew my nose into a colander on Twitter. And while both things are incredibly fascinating in the way it’s fascinating to read someone was delivered a virtual fortune cookie on Facebook and LOL!!!!!, I feel like all of you are missing out because you are not privy to all the minutiae that makes up a Speaker7-like existence. And in a way, I feel like I miss out on many things that I do because I’m too busy watching TV to notice. Like once I ate a carrot dipped in humus and it tasted okay, but I didn’t really think too much about it, and what did the world lose by that? (Answer: everything)

But holy sh*t! I guess there is a way to share my very essence because now I can share what I buy on Amazon.com with my millions of Facebook and Twitter followers. This is like Christmas, Drinking Straw Day and Mormon Pioneer Day all wrapped together in a smushed package taped together by Mormons using drinking straws.

What a wonderful and glorious time we live in! Before, we would just buy a bunch of crap and let it pile up until the rat swarms arrived and ate us whole. But now! Glory be to somebody, everyone can know what crap everyone buys. This was a discovery I recently came upon when I had to buy some crap to show people how much I love them. Thank god, that’s over because now I don’t have to talk to them again for a full year.

So here I lay it all bare for you. This is my holiday gift, and it’s a doozy because by knowing all there is to know about me means you know more about me.

This is me, in a snapshot of Amazon.com purchases. Let there be peace on earth.

It will soon be safe to come within 50 feet of me.

I bought this for my daughter. My daughter's name is ... um...Daughter...yes that's her name.

The smell will never go away. Even if you try soaking yourself in tomato juice, the stench never dissipates.

An absolute necessity.

And the money will come rolling in. Seriously I need it to pay my Amazon bill.

There are no words.

I wear this when looking at my Twilight ball.

Newt Gingrich is single, right?

The last time I knew, he was in Donald Trump's ass.

I like to shave when watching Where in the World is Matt Lauer.

The local unemployment offices need to start looking at this as an option.

RIP Dear Leader

What a glorious time we live in.

And finally my tangible gift to you.

But Speaker7, you’ve been so generous! How can you possibly give us something else?

Just shut up.

blog disclaimer: this post may cause this ailment. Reader beware.

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25 comments

  1. Kim Kardashian perfume by Kim Kardashian. THANKS KRIS JENNER. We would have NEVER figured out it was by KIM KARDASHIAN.

    Seriously, that’s what I got from your post. That and pills for my ‘not so fresh feeling.’ Thank you. Your gift will be there soon.

    1. Oh…was that perfume designed by Kim Kardashian? It would have been clearer if it said. Kim Kardashian Perfume for Kim Kardashian-inspired Women who wish to be like Kim Kardashian designed by Kim Kardashian by Kim Kardashian.

  2. Aw, I feel like we’re best friends now! Only you’re my really stinky/deranged best friend who I avoid and only talk to on the phone every 6 months. So BFF, I think you should know I want Seeking Arrangement for Chirstmas. My plan for the New Year is to become a Sugar Daddy.

  3. I wonder how many people get seduced into sharing purchases only to realize they just ruined the surprise of all their Christmas gifts. This is all baffling to me.

    That S’mores thing is remarkably even more ridiculous than the uni-taking baking appliances I recently wrote about. It’s good I didn’t know about that at the time, because then my head really would have split in half.

    1. Making s’more is sooooooo hard!!! You have to open up the graham cracker box and THEN unwrap the chocolate bar!!! And THEN for cripe’s sakes, you have that marshmellow, but you can’t just take it out of the bag, you actually have to heat it, and by this point I’m dripping with sweat and ready to run into traffic.

      The Progressive International GMMC-68 Microwavable S’Mores Maker has completely changed my life.

      1. I can’t get over a company thinking I need a machine to make something that was intended to be made with fire, the world’s most primitive cooking tool (she who often makes S’mores in the microwave said sheepishly…).

  4. This is the Moxiest Blog I’ve ever read. So, I’m giving you the Moxie Blog award.
    The rules are as follows:
    Tell us three things about yourself that will make us know what you smell like.
    Name four other bloggers that you would actually like to cut the fingers off of.
    Photoshop the ‘Smores machine onto at least six other bloggers’ genitals.
    I hope you feel as honored as I do.
    Les

  5. I bought the Girls Guide to Blogging With Moxie, but now I can’t find anyone named Moxie to blog with. This is Life in the Boomer Lane. WordPress hates me for no reason and so I have to comment as a purple and white Nobody. This sucks.

  6. That right there was bite-my-tongue-off-from-laughing-like-I’m-seizuring type of funny. I don’t have to wait for an occasion like Christmas to say thank you to sweet baby Jesus for giving you the gift of Photoshop.

    Although, I do really miss your drawings.

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