Monthly Archives: December 2011

I Resolve to Read this Post

Posted on December 31, 2011 by

A new year is soon approaching unless you live in another part of the world where it actually already is Jan 1. I may be American, but I realize people live elsewhere, and that is one of my resolutions–to repress … Continue reading →

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The Year in Review of the Century

Posted on December 28, 2011 by

Fantastic news, everybody! People magazine has unveiled its top stories of 2011. I can barely contain my excitement or urine–in fact I just peed all over the floor. That has been happening a lot lately. I probably should get that … Continue reading →

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We Had a Good Run, America

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

In a few days, it will be a new year, and some believe this is the year the world ends. I’m not convinced. I consulted both my box of bones and magic eight ball, and they tell a different story, … Continue reading →

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Miraculously Miraculous

Posted on December 24, 2011 by

Christmas is a time of miraculous miracles that miraculously mystify through their miraculousness. The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus who grew up and now lives forever at the North Pole under the moniker “Santa Claus.” A hefty bag gave … Continue reading →

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I Just Bought Breast Enlargement Drops

Posted on December 19, 2011 by

I wish people could know more about me. I wish there was some way, I could show everyone my very essence. I know I can status update and tell people I used a fork correctly for once on Facebook. I … Continue reading →

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10 Top TV shows

Posted on December 14, 2011 by

Ah TV, my old friend. We’ve had some good times especially when watching Good Times. I am cheered by your version of reality. I am invigorated by your infomercials. I am empowered by your mute button. How can I possibly … Continue reading →

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10 Top Films of 2011

Posted on December 11, 2011 by

It’s nearly the end of 2011, which means many magazines, websites, blogs and STD pamphlets will publish the top 10 whatevers of 2011 (heads up: gonorrhea was huge this year). I do not want to be like a child getting … Continue reading →

Posted in entertainment, humor, media | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

It’s A-Okay!

Posted on December 9, 2011 by

I learn so much as a human being who has eyes and ears and occasional numbness in my pinky toe. But I had no idea how much I repressed what I said until I saw this on Facebook: I wept … Continue reading →

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The Cream of the Crop

Posted on December 5, 2011 by

This horrible guy makes a business trip to Mexico to check on his factory that manufactures relaxable pickle toys, you know, those things you squeeze to relieve stress. His workers work in the most deplorable conditions imaginable–no ventilation, zero safety … Continue reading →

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The New Phone Book’s Here! The New Phone Book’s Here!

Posted on December 2, 2011 by

I have won an award. I would like to quote the immortal words of another award winner to express my gratitude: “Really poor children, in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works. … Continue reading →

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