Vultures are AMAZING.

While I roast some chestnuts on the fire and move the pieces of the Nativity scene around so that Mary is lying down because she just had a baby for cripes sake, I ponder what Christmas means to me.

I quickly become bored and open up my laptop and check Facebook where I discover what one of my “friends” thinks about Christmas.

There are many things that confuse me about this status update. First, why did I read the whole thing and then take a screen shot of it? And B, was Santa Claus, Rudolph and those Coke-swilling polar bears at Jesus’s birth? And second, does it really bother you when some underpaid, abused retail clerk mumbles “Happy Holidays” rather than making the sign of the cross and saying “HO HO HO Merry Christmas. . . is that what’s really ruining the holiday, not the people who pepper spray other people for a $2.95 Forever Lazy®? And lastly, why are you yelling? The yelling hurts my eyeballs.

Believe me, I would totally be on the same page with you if sh*t was going down like it did when Nero was Roman emperor, and Christians were torn apart by dogs and set on fire. That is some hardcore persecution right there. But this? Some person ringing up your FisherPrice Imaginext 2 Foot Dragon World Fortress™ at the local dollar store, mumbling “Happy Holidays” as s/he tries to avoid getting cancer from exposure to the products made out of asbestos and arsenic?  I don’t think your “persecution” is going to land you on the Christian martyr list.

Here’s the thing, “friend.” You can scream or write in caps lock “Merry Christmas” until your lungs burst or you have carpal tunnel and no one will really give a mistletoe sprig (well unless it’s at 4:30 a.m., but that’s why noise ordinances are enacted). That is because in America–for now–you are free to practice or not practice any religion you want. I don’t know if things will change now that the U.S. Senate has voted to allow the military to arrest Americans and detain them indefinitely.

Merry Christmas.

But as it stands if I want to practice the religion of Speaker7ism where I believe Speaker7 is omniscient and omnipresent then praise be to Speaker7.

Now I am by no means a history scholar, but I’ve been able to cobble together some knowledge from Snapple bottle caps, Chinese restaurant menus and the labels on Molson Canadian Light. I have learned that vultures can fly for six hours without flapping their wings and that the founding fathers did not want to repeat the problems in England by creating a state-sponsored religion. It never seems to go well for the people in the religious minority.

Really no one can take your belief away from you unless you let them. And your belief should be that Speaker7 is the light and the way.

Or else.

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30 comments

  1. Your post made me think about a lot of things. I have forgotten most of them. I was reminded that Playmobil made a toy coliseum complete with gladiators. Wonder how many people gave those as a Christmas gift.

    Oh, and vultures pee on their feet to kill germs.

  2. Praise be, Speaker7. What do I need to do to become your first apostle? Which reminds me – what happened to Speakers 1 through 6?

    1. We do not speak of Speakers 1-6.
      It is very simple to be an apostle. Here is the criteria: 1) you must watch the Today show and salute whenever Matt Lauer speaks. b) you must become friends with Heinz balsamic vinegar ketchup on Facebook. 3.4) you must fight a bear.

  3. Totally hilarious, but so true. We can’t take away any one else’r religion and none of us should push our beliefs onto others, except for fashion beliefs like clogs are ugly because it’s true and wearing them is wrong. But Christmas is another story. It should be about love and family, good food, shopping, and peppermint mochas. Not angry yelling.

    1. I DO NOT CARE IF THIS OFFENDS SOMEONE. . . THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF EVERY YEAR WHEN SHOES COME AROUND, PEOPLE ARE PUTTING THEIR FEET INTO THE CLOG VARIETY.

    1. Lucky for you, and for the millions of people who read this, Speaker7ism allows me to take on multiple spouses as long as I assign specific tasks. Your task is to find the prettiest Richard Simmons’ pom-pom tank top in the world.
      I should also let you know that Speaker7ism is an offshoot of Kimkardashinism and we will be divorced in 72 hours.

  4. Patrick has a point. What did happen to Speakers 1 through 6? Did they each go off in a different direction and create duelling belief systems, each one believing that his/hers was the ultimate word of the ultimate diety? Did they then spin off into thousands of subsets of millions of rules and laws and billions of interpretations? And can they only agree now that at some point during the year, a pilgrimage must be made to Toys R Us in order to absolve themselves of sin and divest themselves of cash? My head hurts from pondering these things. Luckily, I will wake up tomorrow and not remember even having written this.

  5. I laugh (or maybe it’s a shudder) every time Bill O’Reilly or similar fool talks about the heathens who are waging a war on Christmas. A war on Christmas? When Christmas is taking over the country by Halloween?

  6. You know, as a religious entity, you are likely to be awarded tax benefits the rest of us pagans do not enjoy. I will happily be on your board of directors of your non-profit charitable organization.

    And most of my knowledge has been gained from Molson Canadian Light labels, as well.

  7. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WROTE THIS! HOW DARE YOU!!! No, really, it made me laugh a lot — and the best question is why you even bothered to read the whole stupid post. I am constantly getting sucked in to other people’s drivel and then thinking — why did i waste my time finishing their rantings when i could be catching up on Kim Kardashian’s divorce? Or Charlize Theron’s new neck-plunging outfit? (obviously I have a terrible time focusing on my work online). My favorite bit was your compassion towards the Virgin Mother in your creche, gently lying her down after her labor. Nice move!!!

  8. So good! First, I COULD NOT AGREE MORE!!!!!!! And B, your Facebook friend must be in the same prayer circle with a couple of my Facebook friends.

    In closing, on a serious note, I can’t help recalling a beautiful moment in my city three holiday seasons ago when fifty people nearly trampled each other at a shopping mall (a man was pushed out of his wheelchair in the process) in order to receive a free coffee cup that contained a coupon for 15% off. That same day on the other side of town, a shelter was distributing boxes of food to dozens of poor families and no one so much as cut in line. God bless you merry gentlemen.

    1. Yes, there was a reason why I was never friends with some people in reality, but the Speaker7ism guilt makes me confirm the friendship virtually.

      That is a beautiful Christmas story. It reminds me of the time Jesus trampled over the lepers to grab a Starbucks keychain.

  9. so, if i follow your religion i have to tithe 75% of my income BUT i can take multiple spouses??? I’M IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS BETTER THAN MATT AND K.K. AMEN, SPEAKER7 AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. I stumbled upon your blog about an hour ago and have been laughing ever since, quietly and somewhat guiltily since I really do have a long list of things I should be doing. Of course, living in London as I do, I don’t understand half of what you are talking about, but I like the way you say it. Just off to find out who Donnie Deutsch is.

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