The Sexiest Blog Alive!

I have been experiencing insomnia, but it will stop because I now know People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”

It has placed its honor on a big bag of spit.

No, that can’t be right? Let me put on my reading glasses.

Bradley Cooper.

I wonder what criteria the magazine uses to make its selection? I tried to find the magazine’s masthead, but the overpowering smell of perfume ads knocked me out for 20 minutes so I abandoned my quest.

There’s lots of men out there, like, over a thousand or something so what made Brad Cooper stand out? I read the interview. He has teeth and two eyes. He eats 2,000 calories a day. He’s half-Italian and uses something like Rogaine, because “nothing’s worse than hair that’s not thick enough.” He laughs when people trip and fall. He likes necks, feet, hands and backs.

I looked up “sexy” in the dictionary to make sure it still had the same definition. It still means to be appealing.

Hmm.

I am beyond shocked that my idea of sexy conflicts with People magazine’s idea of sexy. It also thinks Simon Cowell is sexy when he says things like: “I get bored very quickly.”

I feel the same way when watching The X Factor.

Who is to say which sexy is the right sexy or the wrong sexy? (Answer: me)

I think the sound of wet dog food plopping into a metallic bowl is sexy. Nothing is hotter than band-aids . . . or Cheeto-stained fingers for that matter. I also like a good canteen.

My husband and I have an agreement. We have a list of five famous people we can–to use the parlance of Frank Reynolds–bang without there being any repercussions.

This is my list: Vladmir Putin, Dick Cheney, Voldemort, Montgomery Burns and Zac Efron. What can I say? I like my men bald and evil.

So yes there clearly is something horribly wrong with me so my halfhearted response (I clapped only with my left hand and it sounded like a tree falling on a bear shitting in the woods) in seeing Bradley Cooper on the cover is to be expected.

Sure Bradley Cooper has kind of a douchey vibe, but I’m not going to get all riled up and go protest something that is basically a giant marketing scam to get people to buy magazines and go to movies because who would do that? … Oh right, these people:

That is the sexiest protesting alive.

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28 comments

  1. To tell the truth, I don’t know who anyone is when I pick up a People Magazine. But I still think that Jim Morrison is the sexiest man alive. Oh wait …

    And if you do get a hold of Dick Cheney’s member, perhaps you can make sure he gets a new name: “Dick-less Cheney.” Fits his personality, as well as his professional and military career much better.

  2. I loathe Sexiest Anything articles. I loathe People Magazine except when I get my hair cut.

    Your bang without repercussions list is impressive! Your husband should feel threatened by that. Mine would be 1.) Jon Stewart, whom I’ve loved since his MTV Jon Stewart Show era, 2.) Barney Rubble, whom I’ve loved since the mesozoic era, 3.) Dr. Alex Stone (obscure 60s sitcom reference), 4.) John Cusack in 1985 playing a Depression-era hobo and 5.) Paul Newman (at any age except as a corpse).

    1. I love me some John Cusack. I saw him in person once at a taping of one of the worst TV shows “The Jeff Foxworthy Show.” One of his sisters played the wife. I tried to keep from staring at him, but it was futile. I think he sensed my stalkerish vibe because he moved from the audience to the stage area.

  3. I think Bradley Cooper’s a hottie and Ryan Gosling has a great abdomen but something about his nose makes it look to me like he has sinus problems and he snores really loud. I know – that’s a very random statement but my mind works randomly sometimes. Personally, I nominate Hot Joe as sexiest man alive. He’s got a hot body, he always smells good, he almost sometimes doesn’t get mad easily, he’s a good cook and he’s really good in bed, and by that I mean on the couch. But that’s just me.

  4. That video is hilarious. I love that people will protest over who really is sexy. Important stuff. I personally don’t think anyone named Brad or Bradley can be sexy. Too douchey of a name. Like Ronald & Hubert. But maybe you think Ronald Reagan is a hottie. Wait, is he still alive?

  5. thank you. thank you for stopping and thinking, “wha???” bradley cooper? pussy, douchey bradley cooper? must be the same camp that wanted to date 5’4″ patrick dempsey. dr. mcdreamy? are you serious? (ok, technically i’ve seen his height listed at 5’9″ and half. if you or your girl feel the need to put the “half” in there, your are short. i’m just so refreshed not to be alone. ryan gosling on the other hand…yummy.

    1. Yes, Bradley Coopers is no Voldemort, I can tell you that. You know what I’m beginning to find sexy is that bag of spit. It’s weird, but I find it oddly appealing.

  6. Oh dear, this is why women at the dinner party I went to last night were taking about men who were sexy. I’m so out of the loop on that one. When they wanted my opinion, I could only think of men who were either over age 60 (Nelson Mandela) or who were dead (Jim Croce, can you please come back for just a minute and smile at me?). I was desperate. Luckily, one woman asked, “How about James Franco?” and I pounced. “He’s HOT!” I shreiked, relieved that I had participaed in some way. Please, James Franco, don’t die.

    1. That is a very good point unless of course the person or bag of spit is a zombie then I think he or it can still be the sexiest whatever until his or its head is lopped off.

  7. I was dumbfounded to discover the sexiest man alive honour went to Bradley Cooper – but I cannot undermine the validity of the award. This is because when debating with friends I use People Magazines sexiest man alive award to validate my admiration for a certain Mark Harmon (I think he won in 1986!). There was a time when Bradley made good eye candy but ever since watching him slurp blood from the carpet in the dire (I refuse to believe otherwise) Limitless film, my view is well and truly altered.

  8. I have a crush on Mr. Burns too! I like the way he says ketchup. Like “ketz-up.” I also find myself attracted to rich older cartoon men I can snap in half like a twig if I need to. Sexy. est.

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