Please welcome the newsfeed baby!

Not only do I get to sift through friends’ platitudes– “Don’t Look Back. You’re Not Going That Way”–on my Facebook newsfeed, but now I can see what news articles they read on other websites.

This is great. I really wanted to know that people I know on the most superficial of levels are reading articles like “Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th child” and “SeaWorld Orlando announces new attraction” (Apparently Shamu and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting their 20th hybrid whale-baby)

Facebook has hooked up with Yahoo! and created a newsfeed baby that is a half-brother to the baby created by Yahoo! and Jim Bob Duggar.

I don’t read Yahoo! News because the name itself invalidates everything placed on that page, but it’s basically the sign of the times to come. At some point, Facebook will intertwine directly with our brains and be able to post status updates  like:

I really don’t want random people…excuse me, my besties knowing what I search for and read on the Internet. I look up some weird sh*t on the Internet. For research, thank you very much Mr. FBI agent or Mrs. FBI Agent because I’m not sexist or Ms. FBI agent because you don’t have to be married. I have looked up adult baby syndrome several times. I also searched for information on Richard Simmons and his pom-pom tank top, which incidentally led to many sites on adult baby syndrome. I use search engines when I don’t know how to spell something like gonorrhea or Kim Kardashian. All for this blog.

All for you, readers.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court is hearing a case on whether it’s a-okay for the coppers to track your every move (unbeknownst to you, of course) through GPS. I read about this on Goofball! News. That GPS thing-a-mabob is not good. It touches on the Orvillian (coined for Orville Redenbacher who experimented with hybrid popcorn kernels). I really don’t want the local police to know that I stop at the local Rite-Aid several times to pick up adult diapers for the diaper parties I attend. For research. 

We are one step away from looking as bad as Bruce Willis did wearing that hair piece in Surrogates, a movie I’ve never seen due to spending time in active pursuits like searching adult baby syndrome on the Internet.

How do I know?

I read about it on Facebook.

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10 comments

  1. Seriously? Another flipping baby? Her vagina must be gigantic and therefore too must be his penis to be able to get any friction in there. I heard there was a “big announcement” from the Duggar 75 but I turned off the radio because I was afraid, so very afraid.

    I don’t even want to broach the Facebook subject. I haven’t been there in a few days. I just…don’t want to know. I do totally want to follow you there though. We can be like FB besties.

  2. Based on the record of the Roberts Court, I am sure, damn sure, that they will uphold our civil liberties. Unless of course you are going to the pharmacy to buy birth control.

    1. I wonder since the Roberts Court is all about making sure corporations are treated like people if corporations would be allowed to pick up their birth control prescriptions at the local Rite Aid?

  3. I think, unless you’re Dexter or cheating, you don’t need to worry about the GPS. I liked Surrogate, only because I think people are really going to end up like the water balloons in Wall-E. And Bruce hates Ashton.
    Les

  4. This was news* to me. I had recently noticed my friends’ yahoo “news” blurbs on Facebook but figured this was another mundane detail that they had chosen to post about themselves, you know, right after they took pictures of their food at a restaurant. Now I’m panicked that my entire Facebook community will be aware that I have been online-stalking Shaun Cassidy for months.

    *I’ve added your blog to my list of preferred news sources. Those now being: 1.) NPR, 2.) Speaker7, 3.) PBS NewsHour, and 4.) The John Tesh Radio Show.

  5. Bruce Willis had his own personal wig-warmer for that movie. As in, an actual human being was hired whose sole job was to keep Bruce’s wig warm during the times he wasn’t wearing it. This is true. I heard it from someone who was a crew member, though not the wig warmer.

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