Forever Immobilized in Fleece

Some people want to be forever remembered or forever relevant.

I want to be forever lazy, and lucky me, there exists an outfit to help me reach my goal.

It is called Forever Lazy®. I had not known of its existence until this morning when I was watching TV. Before I had been too lazy to even turn the television on..I had to focus all my energy on lifting and lowering the spoon into a trough of ice cream.

This will be you. This will be all of us:

 

After the 20 minutes it took for the message to meander lazily to my brain, I learned that I could encase my entire body in breathable fleece. Wrestling with blankets to find the remote or cover all parts of my body would be a thing of the past, and I could focus my attention on zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep for a second and my face landed on the “z” button.

I learned that the colors are “stylish” like gray and black. I learned that it came in all sizes from large to blue whale. I learned that I could keep my hands free for such activities as raiding the refrigerator of all Crisco and Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup products, looking up porn on the Internet and eating a Crisco-Heinz-balsamic-vinegar-ketchup sundae while watching downloaded porn.

I feel that this invention is up there with the printing press, lightbulb and Paris Hilton in terms of how it will revolutionize life as we know it. We are now this close (put your thumb and index finger about a tenth of an inch away. You can do this because your Forever Lazy® keeps your hands free. If you are too lazy to hold up your hand, try to get someone else to do it for you like maybe a parakeet or a baby) to being the humans in Wall-E. I tell you the only thing that gets me moving now is when I’m wrestling with a blanket over who wore an outfit better in the latest edition of US Weekly.

Once you move the refrigerator into the living room, there will never be another reason to get up off the couch ever.

Whoa, wait a sec there Speaker7. What about if I have to go number 1 or number 2 or really in my case number 8 because I just ate a case of Funyuns doused in Heinz balsamic vinegar ketchup?

Didn’t you watch the commercial?

Nah, I was too lazy to even read your blog. I’m having my trained baby parakeet type this for me.

Forever Lazy® has zippered hatches located in the front and back waste-voiding regions. Just unzip the hatch, slip an empty Funyun bag under the appropriate orifice and evacuate waste freely into it.

Order now and you can also get fleece footies, a neck pillow and bedsores!

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21 comments

  1. Those people do not seem to understand the meaning of the word “lazy.” Or the word “dignity.” Quit knitting if you want to REALLY be lazy. Don’t go tailgating if you want to maintain any dignity.

  2. Great product. Even better are “Pajama Jeans.” Have you heard of them? They have no sizes because they are all stretchy to accommodate anything from a lower body to a Carport. If you combine Forever Lazy and Pajama Jeans, you completely lose the will to live.

  3. I am often quite lazy at the office. And we have no dress. code. So if I get Forever Lazy in several different colors, I can still be quite stylish. Especially if I get the booties too, And with a scarf, I can totally see this at the office.

    1. I watched the video and I will never be the same.

      How absolutely wonderful! A compact catheter. I remember when I had my first catheter thinking “wow, I wish I could experience this all the time” and now I can!

      My only concern is that I might screw it up with my lip gloss.

  4. I’m torn here, as I often am. Being lazy may be no good for society — yet I hear that when we encase ourselves in fleece, we become closer to God.

    I’d like to gush more about how hilarious this post is, how it gave me the will to live again, but my baby parakeet has a gimpy foot that he needs to ice between sentences.

    1. Finding a good baby parakeet to transcribe is really difficult. The gimpy foot thing always seem to be affecting mine. The only reason I’m even replying to this myself is because I’m out of Funyuns and I don’t know what to do.

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