What all Women Wish For

I’m going to talk about the Genie Bra™.

The Genie Bra™ is what all women wish for. If I talk about the Genie Bra™ then I won’t have to think about Paranormal Activity 3 and my intention to write about my inability to watch horror films.

Is this you? (Try to envision a woman vigorously yanking on bra straps) Do you feel like you’re in a constant battle with willful bra straps that won’t do what they’re told? I swear every time that g-ddamn Paranormal Activity 3 trailer comes on, I can never find the g-ddamn remote and I have to see those little girls say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror. You can write Bloody Mary without getting into trouble, correct? Typing Blood Mary into a screened device is not the same as saying it three times into a mirror. I guess you just have to be careful not to write it three times. . . aw sh*t.

Does your underwire cut into your skin? (try to envision a woman jabbing her bra fasteners into her back several times) I really don’t know what my problem is. I am an extremely rational person and don’t normally give into hysterics even when my bra’s underwire is slicing into my skin, but when I watch a horror movie, I am convinced I will bring that horror upon myself. I placed all my stuffed animals on a window seat by the stair landing to protect me from the vampires in Salem’s Lot. I spent most of my childhood sleeping on a single mattress on the floor of my parent’s bedroom after I thought watching Amityville 2 would be a good idea. This would happen again and again after watching countless horror movies I clearly could not handle. In fact the last time I slept on my parent’s floor, I was 26. They were so proud.

Does this look like you? (Envision a woman in a red turtleneck with what looks like two sea urchins under her shirt) I actually read the Wikipedia entry on Paranormal Activity 3 to prepare for this blog post, and I clicked the links for the plot summaries for the first two. So now I know what these movies are about without actually having seen them. This was insanity on my part. Everything’s fine now because it’s a nice, sunny Sunday afternoon. But it will soon be night. I will go to bed before my husband because he is a night owl, and I will be convinced the closet door will open on its own and some evil spirit will beckon to me. One night after inadvertently catching the entire trailer, I must have turned on my bedroom light 405 times to “investigate” the “noise” I just heard.

Isn’t it time you stopped your daily struggle with uncomfortable bras that prevent you from looking your best? (Envision a woman twisting and tugging at her bra as if she’s trying shake important information out of it) “There’s got to be another way,” says one uncomfortable-bra-ed woman. I can’t tell you how many times I have woken up in the middle of a piercing scream. It is very unsettling for the people who live in the same house. I think what bothers me most is many of these movies aren’t even very good, but yet they stick into my subconscious like a sea urchin to a turtleneck. I wish I could get my hands on some type of wish-granting device like a Genie Bra™ to wish my fear away because there’s got to be another way.

Oh, here’s what the Genie Bra™ looks like:

Now only 3 easy payments of $19.99!!

 

 

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5 comments

  1. I too cannot watch these movies. But I admitted defeat early on, so I don’t even now what Amityville and Salem’s Lot are all about. Salem’s Lot sounds like a good name for a daytime soap opera. Rarely, but around this time of year, I give in to my husband’s love of Halloween and scary movies. It always ends in regret for both of us and we don’t try to combine me and scary movies for another year or two. My husband made me “watch” Paranormal Activity. I only had my eyes open during the daytime scenes. He said it is for the best.

  2. I won’t even go into the nightmares I have had from watching horror movies…but on the other hand, I would like a genie bra. The brand that touts non-slip straps starts them with B cups. Obviously, they think that A cup people don’t need bra straps, but believe me, our boobies won’t hold up a strapless bra… oh, probably TMI…

  3. I could barely even read this post without wetting myself! Parnormal Activity 2 came out when I was home on maternity leave and I could not escape the incessant previews. Which led to Paranoia Activity. I would sit in my son’s darkened room at night, nursing him to sleep, while recalling the scary preview showing a freaked out baby in a crib staring at Paranomal Activity. Then, I’d start seeing bizarre figures reflected in the mirror on Jude’s wall. There were so many nights I nearly yanked off my half-sleeping baby, tossed him into his crib and peeled out of his room. “You’re on your own, kid.”

  4. I too am constantly watching movies (all the way through) that I have no business watching. After I watched “Scream” I made my husband walk me to the bathroom at night for months! FYI Scream was supposed to be a comedic horror. Ya… real funny.

    Your post had me giggling all the way through. Nicely done.

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