A Fish Wrapped in Newspaper… Just for You

This month, Mr. Speaker7 and I will celebrate our wedding anniversary. Eight years….eight, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long years. From what I understand, on the first anniversary, one bestows a gift of paper. The second, a rock followed by scissors on the third and so on and so on until the eighth, which is a fish wrapped in newspaper (reference: Martha Stewart Weddings). But I decided that my eighth anniversary gift will be a gift to you readers. Clearly I have a good handle on marriage because a) I’m still married and b) I’m not divorced.

Just look at this picture of wedded bliss:

Wedded Bliss

The high-fiving of hands is the #5 sign of wedded bliss.

I want you all to learn from my success so one day, you too can write a blog post heralding your successful marriage to my husband.  Here are eight tips for having a successful marriage:

1. Don’t marry someone who sucks. Many people make this classic rookie mistake (reference: Bridezillas). You date someone for awhile, you hate him/her and then you get this idea that you will hate him/her less if you legally bind yourself to him/her for all eternity.

2. Strive for honesty. I say strive because we all have to lie to our spouses at some time. Do you think my saddlebags make me unattractive? Nope, in fact I’d like them bigger. Is my blog funny? Yes, yes it is. You didn’t laugh when I forced you to read my latest entry. I was laughing on the inside. What does that mean? Your saddlebags look really good today.

3. Don’t be that person who says your marriage works because you’re always right and then titter because that’s so original. Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.

4. Please, oh please, for the love of christ, do not put your marital woes as your status update on Facebook. There is a good chance that your spouse is a Facebook friend or if not (why isn’t your spouse your Facebook friend? that’s wrong, man) has mutual friends, and will not enjoy reading “I want to divorce _____ so much right now” and seeing that you changed your relationship status to single. And then your mutual friends and family see this and begin to comment worryingly under your update, and now it’s really hard to explain that you’re mad because your spouse ate all of the Klondike bars and you were really looking forward to one after a long day at the fishhook factory. So since that makes you look petty, you end up filing for divorce, which was truly something you would not do for Klondike bar, but in this case you did.

5. Oh my god, do I really have to say this?..do not, I repeat, do not take a picture of your genitals and send it to someone you met on the Internet. Now men, I’m going to address you now because I don’t know of many stories about women getting into a serious pickle for photographing their vaginas (yes Oprah, I’m using the word vagina. I am empowered). There is no woman alive who wants to see that. No woman. If some special Internet friend is asking to see that, s/he (always he) is likely working for Perverted Justice. On a sidenote, isn’t that just about the worst name in the world. Are they saying the only justice they dish out is perverted? They should call it what it is…a total sham.

6. Make sure your sentences have verbs. I stole this from Dr. Phil’s “A Good Marriage” advice column. I wasn’t aware that people really had a problem with this, but I’m putting it just in case you leaving notes for your spouse that read like this: I with your best friend. I home late. I you.

7. Don’t fall in love with Edward Cullen/Jacob Werewolf (I’m too lazy to look up his last name) from the Twilight series. Don’t lament that your spouse’s eyes aren’t topaz or that his arms aren’t made of marble or that he doesn’t sparkle in sunlight or that he doesn’t imprint on fetuses (I’m not getting into this part, if you want to know what it means look it up online) or doesn’t eat live chickens or doesn’t write the most boring books of all time….Don’t be these people.

8. Do not take advice from people who claim they have the key to a successful marriage. They always have no idea what they’re talking about.

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13 comments

  1. Sweet blog. I like that it’s not Ten Tips! So damn funny. Is there an easier way to follow you? Like with a Follow button? It keeps re-routing me to a Dashboard page when I put my address in the “Subscribe” box. Still kinda new to this and (withholding comments on technical frustration).

  2. If you’re logged into your wordpress account, then go to my blog, you can click on “Follow” in the menu choices (You know how it lists Me… Blog… Info… Follow…Like…New, etc) , and that should set you up. Hope that helps!

  3. Number Eight is my favorite. And who the hell does Martha Stewart think she is anyway? Fish? Clearly, you can see why she didn’t have a successful marriage either.

  4. Two things – I’m so confused. Do I take your advice or not? (#8)

    Secondly – Last night I almost had a breakdown about my sister’s sister-in-law who (again) totally bitched out her husband for taking a nap, snoring while taking said nap and not deserving a nap because he really isn’t a great provider (followed by a j/k). Seriously, I texted my sister (she was at a party or I would have called) YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR SISTER-IN-LAW. Never ever ever ever say anything about your husband on FB except “he rules, he’s hot, sex was great last night” (maybe not that last one.

    Excellent advice, and I will from here on out stop wishing that my husband (aka Hot Joe) was Jamie from the Diana Gabaldon “Outlander” series.

  5. There’s a lie or two and I know who you are. You’ve been married 2 years. But I just want to say that Facebook has a place to put that you’re in a relationship with someone, and a lot of people just don’t care.

  6. I read the link you posted on #7 about the Twilight ladies. One of the women has read the books 9 times and has seen the movies over 300 times each. Given that each book may take about 8 hours to read and that the movies are roughly 2.5 hours each, that’s a total of about 2,466 hours that she’s spent absorbed in a fantasy world where werewolves and vampires compete for the affections of a clumsy girl with a bad attitude.

    Clearly, time well spent. Can’t imagine why her marriage is suffering…

    By the way, still can’t stop laughing at your line: “Have you ever taken a good gander at the people who believe they are never wrong? It’s “people” like Nancy Grace, Dr. Phil and George W. Bush. Yeah, those people are the worst.” Could not agree with you more!! Especially about Dr. Phil…there’s just something about him that irritates me more than anything else in the world…he’s just the worst.

  7. Is it really very strange that my S/O and I aren’t friends on facebook? We just didn’t find it necessary, since we tell each other everything interesting that happens on there anyway. And why bother each other with silly posts like “In the library and booooooored.”, if I wil tell him just that when he asks about my day… while my fb-friends need that information, clearly. :-P
    But a very good post otherwise. And no, I never wished he had arms like marble, so I think we are faring well.
    Happy anniversary, fish in a paper and all.

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